I did turn down the temptation to order pizza on Monday, which is great! I also wanted to get take out last night and decided against it, so I am very proud of myself. I have been drinking the left over chai liquer I have from New years eve, and this is causing me some grief. I only drink like 1 glass a night, but it is very high in calories I am sure. So, I need to stop drinking it! I have been sticking to my diet for the most part, so that is good - and at least I haven’t been eating unhealthy foods when I snack at night. Still, it needs to stop!

I am hoping to do even better the next few days. My goal for the second half of the week is to get to bed by 11:00pm, stop eating after dinner, and exercise each day. I can do it! I just need to get ‘er done!

I decided that this week I would work out whether I liked it or not - so on Saturday I woke up, got ready to go to the gym, got Myah ready - went to the class… and when I got there I found out that the kid’s club was closed for the day. I guess they couldn’t find someone to cover the shift, and it was a last minute issue due to an emergency - so the club would be closed. OK - so no one to watch Myah, so I can’t do my class or even workout at the gym… home I go.

Then today I was determined to exercise - but I really prefer exercise classes, especially when I am not totally motivated to work out - so I decided I would go to the Deep H20 class tonight. Confirmed it with the gym - yes, the class is on today - Jose’ can watch Myah.. GREAT! Nothing holding me back - perfect. So, I get ready and go to the pool. I get there early, give them my money and I go wait in the hot tub for the class to start. Ahh, yes - I am doing it, wohoo! So, 7:00 comes along - and the class isn’t starting. Ok, why isn’t the class starting? Soon a girl from the pool comes and tells us that there was a mistake in the schedule, and that THIS class doesn’t actually start until next week. Oh god.

So, my option is to either go home or doddle about in the pool for an hour until a different class starts. I doddle a bit, swim around, enjoy the hot tub and about 40 minutes later decide - ok that is enough, I am outta here! So, again - no exercise. grr.

I just want to get my routine back!!! Is that so much to ask for?!? Why can’t the universe make this easy for me? lol.

JANUARY LIFESTYLE GOALS

1. LOSE 15 POUNDS (BRING ME TO A 41 POUND TOTAL = PICTURES!)
2. DRINK 2500-3000ML OF WATER EVERY DAY
3. EXERCISE AT LEAST 5 DAYS EVERY WEEK
4. LIMIT EATING OUT TO 1 TIME A WEEK, EAT RESPONSIBLY.

I am making a fresh start this week. I have decided to start fresh with my weight loss and my measurements. I found a new more effective way of measuring my weight loss - but it kind of deviates from the numbers I have had previously, so that is why it will seem inconsistant with the previous weeks numbers. So, going forward I will be measuring the total inches lost in 2009 rather than from the start of my weight loss. I will be using this site to determine fat loss percentage: http://www.freedieting.com/tools/body_fat_calculator.htm

Measurements for this week:

Pounds: 312.0

Neck: 15

Bicep: 17

Forearm: 12

Chest: 51.5

Waist: 50

Hips: 53

Thigh: 31

Calf: 18.5

Lower abs: 57

————–

Inches: 305

Body Fat: 33.7%

Total lost in 2009: 0 in 0 weeks

Total lost in 2008: 30 inches and 26 pounds in 15 weeks

1) Lose 3 pounds

2) Drink 2000 ml of water per day

3) Stick to menu plan, no take out or delivery

I am not going to include exercise yet, I want to get the basics down first - next week I will start working out again when Myah is back in school and the gym and pool are back to their normal hours and class schedules.

First thing to go was my exercise. I think this started when the preschool Myah goes to had a frozen water pipe burst and flood the playroom - so she was off preschool Dec 9 & 11, and since I workout when she is in preschool those days - when she didn’t go, I didn’t exercise. It only took 1 day of missing my planned exercise to throw me off my course… although she did go back to school the next week, I still didn’t exercise. I think this was because I decided to take a break from exercising, after really enjoying those days off the previous week. The gym and pool schedules started changing to christmas hours, and on the 19th Myah started Christmas break - and this all provided me another excuse to not exercise… in fact, it still is.

I am not sure why, but as soon as I stopped working out - I stopped drinking as much water… in fact, some days I didn’t drink any at all. I stopped eating my planned meals - and pretty much always ate out. Being on the go a lot provided good justification for me to just put my menu plan on hold all together until the 27th. With all the running around getting ready for christmas, and then christmas being here - it was easier for me to just eat out while on the go. So, I stopped eating on plan.

 Now, it is obvious to me that some of my healthy habits have become deeper engrained in me, and less dependent on routine and schedules, because I only gained 1 pound in the 3 weeks of no exercise, reduced water, and no menu plan. Only gaining 1 pound is pretty great considering that a few months ago I would have gained a lot more than that when given free reign. So, that just tells me that even though I wasn’t doing my regular routine on my normal schedule - there have been some great deep changes in me that are irreversible. Which is great news! My hard work is paying off.

Now I just need to get back into my routine, which is proving itself to be very challenging. I really don’t like that my success is so dependent on routine, but I don’t know any other way - anyone have any advice on how I could avoid this all from happening again next time my routine is disrupted? I don’t like that my success is so dependent on stability.

2) Log all calories in the food journal on Spark People.

3) Exercise 5 days this week.

4) Drink 6 bottles of water every day, and log it on Spark People.

5) No take out at all this week.

6) Focus this week on loving myself. Work on my self esteem, confidence, and focus on my thoughts and feelings. I will use positive affirmations, listen to uplifting music, do meditation, and write down things I am grateful for daily. I will journal the ways that I loved myself everyday this week - Sunday to Friday.

My measurements for the week: 

Pounds: 311 (+2)

Neck: 15 (+.5)

Bicep: 16.5 (0)

Forearm: 12 (0)

Chest: 50 (0)

Waist: 43.5 (+1)

Hips: 53.5 (0)

Thigh: 30.5 (0)

Calf: 18.5 (0)

Lower abs: 56.5 (+.5)

—-

296 - total of 32 inches and 27 pounds lost in 12 weeks.

So, lets talk about this week… how did this happen?

First off, although I exercised on Saturday (1 hour - breath) and on Monday (1 hour Spin class and 1 hour deep h20 class). I didn’t exercise at all on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. I was feeling worn down, was sick, and decided not to exercise this week because of it. So,  I definitely didn’t meet my weekly goal to exercise once a day and twice a day 2 times this week.

Secondly, I ate an insane amount of junk food and take out. Oh no, I am not joking. Allow me to elaborate. On Monday I ate lasagna, wings, and caeser salad for dinner. On Tuesday I ate subway for lunch, had a banana buzz smoothy as a snack, and then finished it off with KFC for dinner. On Wednesday I went ahead and ate leftover KFC for lunch, then proceeded to eat 4 turtles, and finished it off with Chinese food for dinner. On Thursday I had Wendy’s for lunch, and then Mcdonalds for dinner. Friday I decided to eat pizza 73 for lunch, and then ate lasagna and caeser salad for dinner… and for dessert, added on half a package of pot of gold chocolates and half a bag of salt and vinegar chips. hahahaha - oh yeah, that was my week. I am grateful that I only gained 2 pounds, and now you can see why! Needless to say, I didn’t meet my weekly goal of only eating take out once this week!

 In fact, I didn’t meet a single weekly goal this week. Instead of losing 3-4 pounds, I gained 2. I logged my calories for the first 2 days, and then was too scared to look! I barely exercised. Definitely didn’t drink 6 bottles of water, in fact - on some days I doubt that I even drank 1. Ate take out every single day. Weighed in every couple days to see how badly I did, and binged - every single time.

So, yeah - my week sucked! I was eliminated from my challenge “who can stay the strongest the longest”, failed to reach my goals, and broke a commitment to a dear friend by eating pizza. I pretty much did everything that I told myself I wouldn’t do. My life went right back, almost exactly, to the way it was when I gained the weight. It was those eating habits that got me to 338 pounds - and I just relived a week of my old life. And… it scared the hell out of me!

So, now I need to ask myself why this happened. Well, I think it may have had something to do with the feelings it stirred up while reading the book I have been reading. In my previous blog: http://angel83.buddyslim.com/2008/12/07/what-if-you-could-stop-your-life/ I had mentioned a few realizations I had come to, and I think they actually hit me harder than I expected. I think this scared me, a lot, and because of it I fell right back into my old habits. Maybe it overwhelmed me, and I just gave up because of it. I also think it has something to do with my depression and anxiety, my recovery, and the fact that I have been putting a lot more responsibility on myself lately. Possibly too much too quickly. I may have got ahead of myself, and started expecting too much from me. That expectation brought out my depression and my anxiety, and I retreated to my old habits and my old life - scared of failing,  scared of the responsibility for my life that I have put on myself and the expectations that come with that responsibility.

I don’t know why I would sabatoge myself like this though. Why would I intentionally undermine every single goal I made and do my best to NOT achieve it? If I am afraid of failing, why would I make myself fail? I must be afraid of something stronger than failure… maybe I am afraid of succeeding? I must be afraid that I won’t be able to live up to expectations that follow achievement - like continued achievement, perfection, increased responsibility, power. Which makes perfect sense, because I have a long standing history of achieving greatness, and having it followed by dissapointment. I am so scared of dissapointing myself again, dissapointing everyone I love, dissapointing those who depend on me. I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle my success and the expectations that come with it. I am afraid that if I become successful, when people start expecting things from me, I am going to dissapoint them. Like I have in the past. How do I stop myself from having people depend on me and expecting great things from me, how do I stop myself from succeeding? I make myself fail. I sabatoge myself. I prevent myself from having to take on that responsibility, accept those expectations, and risk dissapointing myself and everyone else. I just prevent it from happening, by failing. By being fat, staying fat - using fat as an excuse to not being able to do those great things, those things that would lead me to success.

So, I sabatoged my weight loss because I use my weight as an excuse to not achieve things, and I need that excuse to stop me from succeeding, because I am scared of the expectations that come from success, and I am afraid of dissapointing everyone and myself. I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle it, that I am not competent, that I am not good enough.  So long as I have my weight as an excuse, so long as I have weight to lose, I can blame my failures, lack of success, and everything else I am afraid of on my weight. I can use it as an excuse, so that I don’t have to feel the dissapointment directly. Only problem is… I still do. I am dissapointed with myself for not having the courage to handle it all without an excuse. I am dissapointed with myself for letting my health be jeopardized so that I don’t have to be afraid. I am dissapointed with myself for limiting my success, limiting my capabilities, and limiting my life through this excuse. The dissapointment manifests itself through anxiety, and depression. And in response I try to gain more weight, strengthen my excuse - but it only causes more dissapointment. A vicious cycle.

NO MORE! I CAN HANDLE IT! I WILL HANDLE IT! I AM HANDLING IT! I AM FREE OF THIS EXCUSE. THE ONLY DISSAPOINTMENT THERE IS IN LIFE IS NOT LIVING MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST OUT OF FEAR. I AM FREE FROM DISSAPOINTMENT. I AM CAPABLE. I AM CAPABLE. I AM CAPABLE.

What I seen was a large circle of women who are each reaching up for their goals with one hand and with the other hand is helping to push up the girl beside her… who is also reaching up for a goal with one hand and helping to push up the girl beside her with the other hand… And this continues on with all of the women. The effect this creates in my mind is amazing! I just picture that with all the women doing this they create an upward spiral bringing everyone closer to their goals through their combined support, and as women join the circle the spiral goes higher.

At the very top of the spiral - once a woman reaches her goal - she can use her now free hand to help pull the girl beside her (who had recently helped push her to get her goal) towards her goal, and then that woman reaches her goal and helps pull up, with her now free hand, the girl beside her in order for her to reach her goal, so on and so forth. Once a woman has reached her goal and pulled up the woman beside her to reach her goal, she goes to the start of the circle, rejoins it and begins reaching for a new goal while pushing the girl beside her up closer to her goal… and it continues this way indefinitely. Totally eternal, totally infinite, totally and completely beautiful.

 I just wanted to share this with my buddies, because it is totally inspired by you - for this is my ultimate goal for all of us!

 I think I may just try to paint this, I don’t know how to paint - but I would love a picture of this on my wall… so I am going to dig deep and pull out my creativity! lol.

Last night I stayed up until 2am doing some ’soul work’. I had a good cry for sure. Came to some really important realizations. I just love that I have this time to do it all. It was definitely needed.

Actually, I was thinking about that last night - and the book I am reading is definitely a soul shaker - in that it shakes up everything in your life. I started reading it last fall, right around the time that I fell into my existential depression - which was the catalyst for everything changing in my life. I put down the book about 1/4th of the way through it - and have just picked it up again. Started reading it again, and there is no doubt in my mind that this book triggered my depression. It is called “take the step - the bridge will be there” - and it asks some pretty serious questions about life… well, it totally made my life over - just 1/4th of the book paved the path of a complete overhaul.

I find it ironic that this book is what triggered me to make the changes that allowed me to have the time I have been given to remake my life. There is actually a part that I read last night that said “have you ever wondered what would happen if suddenly one day you just stopped your life? …. Have you ever wanted to take time out to just be?… What if you could stop your life? What if you had the luxury to step outside yourself and ask your authentic self a few key questions - questions that would put your life into perspective? Who am I? What do I really want? How do I want to belong in this world? Am I living n authentic life?” … well I actually laughed when reading this, because THAT is exactly what I did. I STOPPED my life. I fell into a debilitating depression when I asked myself those questions, I lost my job because of my disability, and the rest of my life (my previous notions of who I was) came crumbling to the floor. Now, in peace - with no expectations placed on me, I get to ask myself those questions again… and make my life over.

So, I picked up the book last night - started over - and it had me crying for about 4 hours as I came to realize that my answers to those questions the first time is what caused the changes in my life. Looking back over the last year - I am just amazed at what I have accomplished. It takes a lot of work, a lot of suffering, a lot of challenges to deal with your life falling apart before your eyes. Especially when knowing that you are the cause of it happening!

Anyway - because of this I didn’t exercise this morning, decided to sleep in - and now I am off to continue reading the book. It is exactly what I need at this point in my life… at a time when I am starting completely over, and making my life the way I want it. A fresh slate.

Life amazes me sometimes, you know? What would you do if you could stop your life, would you change anything? DO IT!