Angel’s transformation

I am moving past it, beyond it, learning from it, taking what I need, going forward. Thank you buddies for your kind words and your support during the last 2 days of difficulty that I was facing. I really appreciate your compassion, advice and kind words. As you could probably tell, I am so much harder on myself than I would ever be on anyone else. My perfectionism definitely gets in the way of things. I am way too stubborn for my own good a lot of the time, and that is why I get so down when my plans don’t work out.

 I decided to throw out the low carb high protein diet that I was on, it caused me to binge eat and now I know that this just won’t work for me. I look back at how far I have come, how much I have done… and then I think to myself “why fix it when it isn’t broken?”. I think the reason why I decided to change up my plan was because I wasn’t happy with the fact that I had maintained the week before. I was putting too much importance on the number on the scale and stopped focusing on how good I was feeling as being the determining factor of whether or not I was succeeding. As a result I decided to change things up, thinking maybe it was my diet that was causing me to maintain. Not taking into account the various factors that contributed. Hoping for a quick fix I went to the one thing I had known about dieting before - hoping that it would cause me to loose a huge amount of weight quickly. Of course, now I know this was my downfall.

So, I am going back to what worked. The thing that made me feel healthy, feel happy, and content. I need to stop worrying soo much about the result, and just enjoy the process and the successes I have achieved in how I feel. I am grateful that I came to this realization quickly, it only took me a couple days to notice what was wrong, which of course was aided by the help of some good friends on here. So, again - thank you.

I am just astounded by this site and the people on it. I have never done this well for this long and felt so good about it that I just knew in my heart that I would be able to continue on this way indefinitely. I don’t know what it is about this community that did it for me, but I am so thankful to have finally found it. I am not sure that I would have pulled so quickly and easily out of the pit I found myself in after the last couple binges if it weren’t for all of you.

So, today was fresh start with the knowledge I gained from the last bump in the road. I had a great day, I was renewed, rejuvinated, completely fresh and fully energized. I woke up and had my planned breakfast, went and did 20 minutes on the treadmill in which I just drenched the machine with sweat, then I proceeded to my ‘breathe’ class and performed the best I have ever done - I was able to accomplish more yoga moves than ever before. It made me think back to where I started, and it made me soo proud to know how far I have come in the last couple months. So happy. Then, feeling elated I went home and ate my planned lunch, then proceeded to pack up my bag and my family to go for a nice hike at our national park. I sat on a rock, by the river, watching my daughter throw rocks into the water, while noticing the sun set in an amazingly colourful sky. Just wonderful.

I felt grateful today, totally grateful. I was thankful for the fall I just had, because it taught me an incredible lesson - one that I needed to learn. It made me stronger, better, and more prepared for the rest of the journey ahead. I was given the gift of success. I was given an opportunity to grow. No matter how much it hurt the last couple days, no matter the blow to my ego - it taught me something valuable, something that I will never lose and always treasure.

Buddies - I am feeling really dissapointed in myself and need some cheering up. Anyone who has read my other posts know that I have been really taking a strong stance against take out and eating unhealthy foods. Well, today I gave in. I lost control. I binged again.

 This morning went well. I woke up, went and worked out - did a 60 minute weight lifting class at the gym. I managed to so lunges with weight on the bar for the first time - ever! I went home, ate my lunch and then started getting tired. I decided to go watch a movie. My daughter wanted a snack, and it started with me thinking she could have some popcorn… but then decided she could have some halloween candy instead. So, I go and get her some candy… and then, I go back and get myself some. Forget some - lots.

Now, I have been really good with halloween being around. I hadn’t had a single piece of halloween candy until today. So, I quickly pigged out on the chocolate, and chips, and candy. I probably had 10 pieces in total, and 1 small bag of chips. Then I crashed. Hardcore - slept for 3 hours. Woke up totally fatigued and lethargic and decided I didn’t want to cook dinner so ordered a large lasagna and a caeser salad with a side of hot wings. Well, I ate ALL of it. Even when I was so stuffed I felt like puking, I kept eating. I just kept pigging out.

Now, my stomach hurts, I feel heavy, lathargic, exhausted, dissapointed, so sad, flat out miserable. This is an especially big dissapointment since I was supposed to be doing my 12 day detox and my 14 day low carb high protein diet. Today would have been day 4. Now, I feel like I totally messed it up. I feel soo awful. I just don’t understand what is wrong with me to let this happen. I have been soo good, which makes this an even bigger blow. Help buddies I need some loving, I feel so crappy.

This week is pretty exciting for me, a lot of the things I had planned and organized have finally come together. This week is big because it is the start of a whole new routine/schedule. Last month I decided to take my daughter out of daycare and stay at home with her for a few months to prepare her for kindergarten next year, so Friday was her last day of daycare and starting today I am a stay at home mom. This is pretty exciting for me, because I get to really focus on what is important to me. I can use this time to decide what I want to do in a new career, since I am done with the career I just left. I have scheduled in time everyday to work on my personal and career development to prepare for when I am ready to be employed again.

I feel grateful for having this time to get healthy, lose the weight, develop a new lifestyle and form new habits. I get to pick out my perfect career and start working towards that, and until I am ready to start working again I get to stay at home with my daughter and prepare her for school next year. I am really happy about this. It is totally a fresh start, and it feels amazing. I am very excited to have everything I have planned the last 2 months finally come together. This is a really important point in my life, and I am very proud of myself for everything I have done.

The best part is that I really feel like I am utilizing the time I have been given. I am not wasting it. I am being successful. I am making great things happen. It really is like being born out of the ashes for me. I relate to the phoenix now more than ever. After my previous life had been utterly destroyed, ruined - I was able to make something good come from it, and now I get to enjoy my success and know that the suffering was worth it. I feel accomplished, like my life is finally on the right path again. Yes!

Ok, I have identified what I am afraid of… all this time I have been having this fear in the back of my head about losing weight, and have figured out what it is… I am SOOO scared of what I am going to look like. I am afraid that after I lose the weight I am going to have saggy skin, and my stretch marks are going to look like wrinkles, and that my boobs and belly are going to hang to the floor. I am so scared of what is going to happen to my skin after I have lost 180 pounds… *cries*

 Seriously!!! What is my body going to look like? I don’t want to have flaps! I don’t want my boobs to hang to my hips, but if all that fat is removed isn’t that what is going to happen? That skin isn’t going to shrink is it? Has anyone seen the movie ‘click’? Remember his flap, I don’t want to have that!!!! Oh my god… I would much rather be full then have layers and layers of skin!!! ahhhhh.

Really now, what am I going to do about this? If I keep being afraid of what I will turn out like, how could I ever lose the weight??? eek.

I know this is strange, but I am seriously starting to question my behaviour lately… ever since eating out on Saturday I have been feeling a sort of rebellion building up inside of me. It is like now that I have given myself the option to eat out once a week and the option to not work out twice a week - I am constantly fighting with myself to exercise and not eat out. I feel like a part of me is totally rebelling - it got a taste of ‘freedom’ and now it wants to totally take over and conquer these new habits I have formed. I am really worried about this because I have worked extremely hard to form these new habits, but I am starting to think that maybe they haven’t fully developed yet… because how else could I rebel like I have been so far this week?

Fortunately I haven’t given in to the temptations of eating out yet this week - but at the same time, I haven’t really been sticking firm to my planned meals either. I have been missing some of my pills throughout the day, and that has probably thrown me off a bit. I also have not really been sticking to my exercise schedule like I usually do, and that has worried me.

Saturday night was the night that I went to smugglers (after 21 days of not eating out) and had a incredible meal… I definitely ate too much, I was totally stuffed after. I let myself go too far, for sure.

Sunday I woke up late, and missed my planned exercise class because of it. I slept in, and by the time I woke up I had missed my breakfast AND my morning snack… I decided to make a mix of my breakfast and lunch into one meal - so I had an english muffin with egg and ham and cheese (breakfast) served with some tomato soup (half of my planned lunch). I decided to go for a walk at fish creek park with the family to try and make up for my missed exercise. Jose tempted me to just buy lunch from safeway, but I decided against it and made peanut butter and jam sandwiches and a bunch of veggies (other half of my planned lunch). I figured this way I could at least get in the rest of my lunch and treat it like a snack since it would be mid afternoon when I finally ate it. We went for a long walk, and then came home and I made dinner (on plan).

Monday (yesterday) I again had problems getting up in the morning… I stayed up on Sunday night much later than I should have, and paid dearly for it. I was like a zombie all day - I didnt get anything done. I did eat my breakfast (though it wasnt the one I had planned), and I made and ate the lunch on plan after debating for nearly 2 hours whether or not I should just go to subway. I ate my mid afternoon snack, and then decided to run some errands. Well, this took longer than expected - and I was running very late, behind schedule for making dinner. Jose was trying to convince me to just order pizza instead, and I debated for a while whether to just get vietnamese or subway, or go home and make dinner. I decided to try and make dinner. I got home at about 6:50 and needed to make and eat dinner by 7:30. Well, I got about half way done that before I had to leave to my deep H20 class.. so I didnt eat the dinner, and left for the class. I was desperate to get out of the house, because my day was just going so wrong - and I wanted to escape for a little while… I thought exercising would be the best way to go. I decided before hand that I would just pick up subway on my way home after the class. Well, I did the class - and then decided to go home and see if there were leftovers from the dinner I started to make. There was leftovers, and I ended up eating twice the amount that I should have. blah. But - at least I didnt eat subway!

Now it is today… I tried waking up, but couldnt convince myself to get out of bed in time for my 9:30 weight lifting class. I have weighed myself, because I feel so shitty and wanted to know how much I have gained - and it shows that I have gone up 2 pounds. Well, this was obviously a bad idea because I have been feeling even worse since then. I forced myself to eat my breakfast (though not on plan, it was still a healthy meal)… now I am trying to convince myself to go to the 12:10 weight lifting class. I have more than an hour to get there, so I think that is what I am going to do.

Looking back, I know the days werent that awful - but I just feel so crappy! I am feeling unmotivated, and out of control, and totally messed up! I am just not sure what to do here… I don’t know if I should be strict, or be more flexible. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself, or am I not being hard enough? Maybe I am just a control freak, and dont like when things dont go as planned. lol. I just feel overwhelmed. Probably my anxiety acting up - but the last 3 days just seem to be so messy… and I dont like it one bit! I feel so disorganized and out of place. I feel like everything is just falling apart. Ever since Saturday. Is it because I let myself have dinner out - or is that just coincidence? I dont know. Help!!!!

I am feeling a little discouraged, and a little unsure of myself. I don’t feel like I know what I want, and it is sort of making me feel detached from everything. I have been having negative thoughts lately, and I am not sure where they came from or why they are here. It is slowly draining me of my positivity and my energy.

Lately I haven’t been very close with my friends, and maybe that is why I am feeling alone. I also haven’t seen much of my close family members aside from Jose’ and Myah. It wasn’t really a conscious decision I made to stop seeing everyone, but something like this has happened before and it didn’t happen due to choice… it just kind of happened. My family life is turbulent, and lately my friendships have been as well. I don’t have many friends, but the ones I do have I have had for a long time. I know there is a natural flow to friendships, sometimes you hang out more often, sometimes less often. But, it seems to affect me and my insecurities in unusal ways.

I must admit that I have a bit of a complex. I tend to push people away before they have a chance to reject me. I always feel like I should somehow be the ‘best’ or most ‘important’ friend to people. Like, I always want to be number 1 in a person’s life. I always want to give something to someone that no one has ever given them. I always want to be their ‘firsts’. I have a strong desire to be special, important, necessary. Maybe it is my competitive nature, but it works more as a disadvantage. When my closest friends stop hanging out with me, and start regularily start hanging out with someone else instead - I feel rejected, and I get sad. I start pushing them away as a result… but in my mind it is them who has decided to stop hanging out with me, and that I am just respecting their choice.

Well, I think that is what is happening now. I have been friends with Stevie since the beginning of high school, and we have a very strange karmic relationship. The things we have gone through and done together is bizarre to say the least. Well, when I went through that huge change in high school when I stopped doing drugs and hanging out with old friends to straighten out my life - she happened to be one of the friends I still contacted, but when I went to college she was still finishing high school, and this caused her to look to someone else as a friend in school. Someone who basically replaced me as her best friend while I was in college. They were extremely close for a few years, and I lost complete contact with her until we had something in common again - we both got pregnant at the same time, and so we hung out together through our pregnancy. Well, as I say there have been times of closeness and times apart… and over the last couple months she started hanging out with the same girl that she hung out with in high school when I was in college. And because of this, she is calling me less and less. Inviting me out less and less, and when she does want to go out it is basically as an extended invite to do something with her and her friend. Well, my insecurity and my ‘complex’ starts acting up hen things like this happen, and I feel like withdrawing.

It has become worse since I started losing weight. A couple months ago she got me a gym membership to the gym she works at, in the hopes that we could workout together. However, she hasn’t been coming with me, and it seems like the better I do at losing weight the worse she feels. I keep asking her to come with me, but she keeps saying ‘no’. I have hung out with her a couple weekends in the last 4 weeks, and everytime I feel like more and more of an outcast. Each time I felt like a tag along. Afterall, they had plans and I was invited last minute. I try to hang out, but then I just get sad. I don’t like feeling replaced, even if I know that this is just me being totally psycho.

Today I went to the gym, and I ran into her (she was working) - she said that her and her friend (same one from high school) were getting together -again- tonight, and said I could come if I wanted to. Maybe that is why I am feeling uncertain today. I feel like celebrating my weight loss success (another 2 pounds, yay!) and all my hard work… but I don’t know if I want to celebrate with them, because it feels less like a celebration and more like something driving us apart from one another. I wish I had a way to celebrate, and someone who really wants to celebrate with me.

I have been thinking all day about what I could do instead, but haven’t been able to come up with anything. Every ‘reward’ I think of involves food that I don’t want to eat (fast food, junk food, etc). I am saving my money for my major reward next weekend (spa day and dinner out at a very nice resteraunt - for succeeding at my ‘no take out’ challenge). I would like to go tonight, but I am just worried that I will feel depressed, and I really don’t want to feel that way right now. I don’t want to feel alone, and rejected, and less important. I want to feel good - I deserve to feel good! I just have a feeling that going out tonight won’t really make me feel good. But I doubt staying in will be any better. I feel like I should be happy, and proud of myself, and whatnot - but I am feeling sad, and upset about my life instead. It is really discouraging, I want to be enjoying my success.

Any suggestions or advice on what I should do? How can I make myself happy, and celebrate my success without destroying what I have accomplished?

So, my 21 day challenge continues - so far, so good! I have resisted temptation at every turn and haven’t had take out in 11 days! I am half way through my 21 day challenge!!

Saturday (Day 8 ) was definitely a challenging one. I had problems getting out of bed, and didn’t want to work out - but thankfully my daughter was there for me, and she helped convince me to go workout at the gym. I did an hour long ‘breathe’ class (tai chi, yoga, pilates), and it felt great! All day I was craving take out. First thing I wanted was subway, then wendy’s and then from about 3:00pm to about 11:00pm I was fighting urges for pizza. I didn’t give in, not even a little bit! I ate what was on plan, I may have had a bit too much cheese, but that is ok - the important thing is that I made it through the day without giving in to a huge temptation. I am very proud of myself for this.

Sunday (Day 9) went well. I didn’t get much sleep from the night before (because my pizza craving kept me up a lot of the night), but I managed to drag myself out of bed bright and early and go to a deep H20 class at the pool. I did a tethered (resistence) class for an hour… it was actually very inspiring, because the sun was just rising and you could see the fall trees through the windows and the sun was shining in and making reflections in the water. Very pretty. I was proud of myself for making the decision to come, even though I had planned to go to another breathe class (which was cancelled, due to thanksgiving)… so I was happy that I convinced myself to work out and burn some extra calories.

That night we went over to my uncle’s house for thanksgiving dinner. This was more of an emotional challenge for me than a physical one. I wasn’t challenged by the food, but rather by the fact that I hadn’t seen my dad’s side of the family in about 15 years. They hadn’t seen me since I was about 10 years old. Mostly because we lost touch as my dad stopped talking to everyone, and we had no way to contact eachother until I seen my cousin on facebook and added her. Because of my issues with my dad, this family gathering was scary for me. I wasn’t sure what emotions it would stir up. I am very proud of myself for going, because I had been thinking of cancelling all day… but I went, and I had a good time. I only had one plate of thanksgiving dinner (first time - ever!), and it consisted of half a plate of various veggies, and the other half with my turkey, stuffing, and potatoes. I had some home made coffee icecream, which was amazing - but I found out after that it was low fat! So I was set! We did talk about my dad at dinner, and how he had abandoned his whole family, and that was tough… but it was really nice to hear them tell memories they had of me as a kid - things that I had long since forgotten, like how I use to LOVE dinosaurs, and that I was an incredibly creative child. They confirmed my memories about how awful Jana (my stepmom) was to me when I was a kid. They told me how even though she hid it around them, they could see through it and seen how mean she was to me… so they were always worried about how bad it got when people weren’t around. They assured me that she really was a terrible woman. In a strange way, this was good to hear - because for the longest time I questioned myself in terms of whether I was overexaggerating, or maybe those memories weren’t real, and just dreams. So, it was nice to know that I hadn’t made all that up in my mind all this time. Strange, I know. Anyway, it was nice to reconnect with my ‘child’ self through their memories of me, and it was nice to see everyone and be part of the family again - I missed them.

Yesterday (Day 10) was challenging to say the least. The things they had told me the night before had a chance to sink in a bit, and I was feeling very irritable, grumpy, frustrated, and sad. I was just feeling down. I had planned to do a bunch of stuff around the house (clean up, finish the part of my new meal plan I was working on, get groceries, etc), but my mood wasn’t allowing me to be very productive - and it took a lot of my energy to not take it out on the people around me (especially my very energetic daughter). The rest of my energy was going towards forcing myself to make the food on my plan, and stopping myself from giving into the temptation of eating out. So, by the end of the day I had done nothing I had planned (except following my diet, and drinking my water)… Jose came home from work, and was a life saver. He motivated me - told me to go get the groceries with Myah, and he would clean up the house while I was gone. I am so grateful to him for that. I was irritable at the store with my daughter, but when I came home to a clean house I felt so much better. I didn’t exercise yesterday, but I had other things to worry about - and I got through them without falling into old habits… so I am proud of myself for that.

Today (Day 11) is going well… it is 12:00pm now, and so far I had a healthy breakfast with my daughter, have dropped her off at preschool, went and did an hour long weight lifting class, and have had my morning snack and had a shower. After I am done this I am going to go make a chicken cilantro quesadilla and have some fresh veggies. Maybe this afternoon I can work on some of the things I wanted to get done yesterday.

I think I have done a really good job so far, and I have come through some pretty touch challenges… I have had more success on this weight loss journey in the last couple weeks, than I have ever had. This time I am doing it, and I am so proud of myself.

I have had a couple people ask for tips, or more information about what my specific diet plan/regime is, so I have decided to blog about what I have been doing so far and how it has helped me.

But first, I want to make something clear - just because I can lose 7 pounds a week doesn’t mean that you could/should. I weigh 327 pounds, and am in my 3rd week of weightloss - so I am only just starting… this is probably why I am losing the amount of weight I am per week. I have heard that losing 1-2% of your body weight per week is a reasonable and healthy goal. I have also heard that you can only lose 2 pounds of fat a week, so a lot of the weight I am shedding is probably water I have retained.  My weight loss will likely reduce itself to 3-5 pounds per week in the coming months. I am happy and grateful for the weight I have lost so far, it has helped me to exercise with less physical pain (due to the weight), and it has motivated me to keep going, but I know it won’t stay at this rate forever, and more importantly - I don’t really want it to. I am 327 pounds, so for me to lose 1-2% of my weight loss I can lose 3.27 - 6.54 pounds per week. But, as my weight decreases - that number will also decrease. So, if you weigh 200 pounds you should be very happy with a 2-4 pound loss per week, 7 pounds would not be healthy for you! Which is probably why you don’t get that number weekly! So, please - please! don’t get down on yourself because you aren’t losing as much weight as I am per week… when I am at your weight (notice I said when, not if! lol) I will be probably be losing at the same rate you are now.

That said, this is what I have been doing and how it has worked for me:

My diet:

I have been following the Canada food guide and adding information from the atkin/southbeach diet to it. So, I am eating all the food groups, except with less carbs and more proteins and fats. Also, I am mostly eating foods that are low/medium on the glycemic index, and avoiding those foods high on the glycemic index. My daily diet includes 8 servings of vegetables (1/2 cup - 1 cup = serving), 2 servings of fruit (1 sm-med fruit, or 1/2 cup = serving), 5 servings of carbs (1 slice of bread, 1/2 bagel/english muffin/pita/etc or 1/2 cup of cooked pasta/rice = 1 serving), 2 servings of dairy (1.5oz cheese, 1cup milk, 1 cup yogurt = 1 serving) , 4 servings of protein (3 oz or 1/2 cup of lean meats, 3/4th cup of cooked beans, 2 eggs, 2 tbsp of Peanut butter, 1 tbsp of nuts = 1 serving) , and I allow for 2-3 servings of fat/oils (1 tbsp = 1 serving). My calorie intake is between 1200-1500 per day. This is how I arrange my food per day:

Breakfast = 2 carbs, 1 protein, 2 veggies

AM Snack = 1 fruit

Lunch = 1 carb, 1 protein, 1/2 fat, 2 veggies

PM Snack = 1 fat, 1 protein

Dinner = 2 carbs, 1 protein, 1 fat, 2 veggies

Dessert = 1 fruit, 1/2 fat

I find it easier for me to plan out my days in advance. I am less likely to cheat, and more likely to eat what I need to, when I have a planned menu of food. At any given time I am following a 15 day menu, which includes 15 days worth planned meals - each organized according to the above schedule. Breakfasts and snacks are often repeated in the 15 days, but I always make sure to have 15 different lunches and 15 different dinners. I even listed out all the groceries that are needed at 3 day intervals, so I have a shopping list for every 3 days worth of food for my family (who are also following the same meals, because they are healthy foods, with my husband eating larger portions). I find having a list of the foods I need to buy every 3 days extremely helpful to avoid buying tempting foods at the grocery store. This way I know exactly what I need to buy, and I don’t buy anything more or less - and it is always the exact, perfect amount of food that I need for the next 3 days. This also helps to ensure that I only eat what is on menu, because otherwise I will run out of food at home!

I started this 3 weeks ago with only 1 - 15 day meal plan, since then I have become a better cook, and have wanted to try new recipes. So now, as I am actively using one of my 15 day meal plans, I am creating my next 15 day meal plan. That way I have a variety of different 15 day meal plans that I can follow at any given time, and in doing so I don’t get bored of the foods I am eating, and I can continue to challenge myself to make new healthy meals. I just keep collecting healthy recipes that I can use, and plan my future days with them. This ensures that I am always excited about making my food, so that I am not tempted into falling into old habits. It is really inspiring when you are excited to try a new recipe, especially when you were like I was (someone who HATED cooking, and was hopelessly addicted to fast food).

I should also mention - that along with my food intake I also ensure that I drink 500ml of water between every meal. I drink a bottle first thing in the morning before breakfast, between breakfast and my AM snack, between my AM snack and my lunch, between my lunch and my PM snack, between my PM snack and my dinner, and between my dinner and my dessert. And I usually drink a bottle between desert and bed time. I make myself finish my water bottle before I eat any meal, to prevent me from overeating. So, I drink a bottle of water at least 6 times a day = 3000 ml/day. This helps me to feel full during the day, and whenever I want to eat outside of my scheduled meals I just chew on sugar free gum and drink my water. It helps a lot.

My exercise

I plan to workout every single day for at least 30 minutes.  I am a member of a gym, and keep an active pass through the city pool. I also have a collection of workout videos at home that I alternate through. At the beginning of every month I plan out my weekly exercise options. This is because every month my gym and the pools change their weekly exercise classes, and I can adjust it as needed to fit my needs. When I plan out my week (which is repeated throughout the month) I allow for 3 different options every day. Usually I pick 1 gym exercise class, 1 swimming class, and 1 workout video. I stagger each of these throughout the day. As an example - every Tuesday in October I can choose between a 9:30am ‘Force’ (1 hour weight lifting) class at the gym , a 8:00pm Deep H20 (1 hour swim aerobics) class at the pool , or I can do my 30 minute Tae Bo workout at home. If I don’t feel like working out in the morning, I still have 2 other options in the day. I have 3 opportunities to work out, and I just make sure that I do at least 1 option a day. This has worked very well for me because it takes the “should” and “have to” out of exercising, and replaces it with “I can do this, or that, or this”.

Lately I have been mostly going with these options every week… it just works best for me:

Monday & Wednesday:  1 hour deep H20 class @ 8pm, Tuesday & Thursday: 1 hour Force class @ 9:30am, Friday & Saturday & Sunday: 1 hour ‘Breathe’ (tai chi, yoga, and pilates) class. Occasionally I don’t make it to class, and just do one of the other options instead… but I have stuck to this schedule pretty much completely this month.

My supplements

I have to take levothyroxine daily for my hypothyroidism, and I supplement it with some other vitamins and helpful pills. Such as metamucil capsules with added calcium, hydroxycut, Relacore, 5HTP, and a Women’s multivitamin. Hydroxycut helps with my energy levels and provides me with motivation. Relacore helps me to reduce my stress, elevate my mood, and reduce my anxiety. 5HTP is a natural supplement which is great for depression. This is what I take every day:

9:00am - 1 levothyroxine, 1 metamucil, 1 relacore, 1 hydroxycut

1:00pm - 1 5HTP, 1 metamucil, 1 relacore, 1 hydroxycut

5:00pm - 1 hydroxycut

10:00pm - 1 multivitamin, 4 metamucil

I have also been supplementing everything with some ’soul work’ - I have really been digging deep trying to find the roots to my problem, figuring out who I am, who I want to be, and what I want to do with my life. I spend a good portion of my day working on this aspect, with help from some good self help books which provide me with exercises to work on. I also spend 15 minutes every morning going through some positive affirmations, and it helps set up a good start to my day.

I find that all of this is taking up a huge portion of my time every day, and I am totally grateful that I have the time to do what I need to. I find that it requires a lot of focus, determination, and organizing. Planning success is probably one of the most important things I have done. I keep going through trial and error, but now I have combined everything that worked and put it together in a way that I can follow it easily. I occasionally make changes to the plan, as new things come up, or as I find things that aren’t working well, and I know that will always be a necessary part of this journey. But -it is easy to follow instructions once they have been made, so you just need to give yourself instructions, and do it every day. Eventually I will not need to focus so much on it, because it will be a habit - and then I can spend that extra time doing other things… but for now, my primary focus is on doing what I have planned and doing it properly in a healthy way.

I hope this helps, if anyone wants to know more - let me know! I would be happy to help  :)

Today was a challenge for me. I woke up feeling a bit depressed, and the day got worse as it progressed. I have been exhausted, irritable, and frustrated. I have been fighting with Jose’ all day, and have felt totally alone and unsupported by him. I went to a friend’s house tonight for dinner to try and get away from it - and it helped a little, but I still came home with a stronge urge to order pizza and binge. I didn’t do it. I didn’t binge, and I am proud of myself for that reason.

 But, I did eat some of my daughter’s chocolate - 4 raspberry flavored chocolate balls, and I at some popcorn as I watched a movie. I felt like I needed comforting, so I indulged a little. Definitely much less than I normally do, but still - I indulged. I am not going to be too hard on myself about it. I know the reason I did it, and I probably should have just gone to bed and slept off the upset of the day, but I didn’t.

Now I am feeling down, because today wasn’t very good - I felt really alone, and felt uncomfortable in my own house. It didn’t help that when I came home from my friend’s place he didn’t say anything to me - just went to bed. So, without resolution, without closure - here I am, sad and alone. Just totally depressed, and a little angry at home as I listen to his snoring. ugh - his snoring.

 Well, I think I am going to go listen to my Harry Potter book tape, and try to move past my day. Hopefully I can wake up in the morning and find some nice supportive messages to help me start fresh and have a great day tomorrow.