Angel’s transformation

… no wonder I am having a hard time letting it go. Gaining this weight has cost me a lot, and losing the weight makes me feel like all that I sacrificed was a total waste. I know this sounds like twisted logic, and it really is - but it makes perfect sense at the same time. Think of what you have lost, what you didn’t get, what limitations have been placed on you, what you gave up on due to your weight. All of that happened because of your weight. You gave up alot because you were fat. As if fat was something so valuable that all that other stuff didn’t measure up to it. You sacrificed it all when you chose to put on that weight. Painful thought hey? Yeah, that is what I am coming to realize.

The guilt associated with it, the pain of what I have lost or was never able to do or was limited to has haunted me for a long time and I am only starting to notice it now. Maybe that is why stuffing my face was so enjoyable, maybe that is why I was addicted to it - making myself EVEN FATTER justified the loss of all those things. After all, I sacrificed them when I chose to be fat to begin with right? So, getting even fatter was giving it justice - if being fat made me lose all of that stuff, damn it - I am going to be REALLY fat. Because that stuff was worth a lot. Better get what it is worth. Eating made that guilt go away, temporarily. It wouldn’t take long before it would come back, and then I would need to eat again, and again, and again.

So, now that I have decided to lose the weight the guilt is coming back full force. I believe that this is what is sabatoging me. The memory of what I had sacrificed because I was fat. Now it feels like what was sacrificied was not given justice. Sad to think that my twisted logic had me believing that the only way to give it justice was to stay fat or become fatter. Hiding the guilt beneath mountains of pizza, chocolate, chips, pop, pasta, and anything else extremely fattening.

Now I know better. I realize that the true menace behind this twisted logic was my stubborn ego that is a perfectionist and refused to admit that I had made a mistake. I made a mistake when I sacrificed the things I really cared about for food. It is my responsibility to accept this, forgive myself, and fix my error. Staying fat or making myself more fat is the true injustice. Afterall, the longer I stay this way - the more I have to sacrifice. I owe it to myself and the things I care about to change what I have done, and prevent it from happening again.

And the first step - I need to forgive myself for what I have done. These are the things that come to mind:

1) When I first started putting on the bulk of my weight (at 19 years old) I became so lethargic, so depressed, so apathetic that I stopped going to my college classes. I would walk across the street, get 2 or even 3 McDonald’s meals, and then go home - stay in bed all day watching movies, eating, and sleeping. As I got larger and larger the less motivation I had to go to school. My clothes weren’t fitting anymore, I looked and felt like crap, and it became easier for me to just stay home. I became lazy. If I did go to my class I would take a cab there and back instead of getting on the bus. In fact, if I couldn’t afford a cab - I wouldn’t go. So, I started failing my classes. I went from being an A- scholarship student on the dean’s honour roll with a 3.5 GPA, to being someone failing 3 out of 5 of her classes, and barely making a 2.0 GPA. I sacrificed my education, my success, my ambition. Until now. Ok, so it is going to be tough to recover from that one year of bad grades. But it can be done. Fortunately, the bad grades happened in my 2nd year of my 4 year undergrad program, and fortunately grad schools usually only look at 3rd and 4th year grades. So, I can make up for this. I can finish my degree and continue on with my education, recover my success, and start moving towards my ambition again. I have that opportunity now. I forgive myself for my mistake, and I will fix it.

2) After my daughter was born (I was 21) my mom told me about $5000 she had saved for me for when I completed college, so that I could go travelling before I start my career (something, I love - btw). She said that since I wasn’t going to be completing college, and since I now have a daughter - I could no longer depend on her for support (help with tuition, rent, etc) cause I had to grow up and deal with my responsibilities. She gave me the $5000 to go towards losing weight (through Jenny Craig). This was actually quite a blow to me, first because I felt like I let my mom down in that she had this surprise for when I graduated college, and she was extremely dissapointed that I had to use it on something different. And because I let myself down, by not finishing college and not able to go travelling because of it. Well, I wasted the money that I was given. I went to Jenny Craig for about a year and hadn’t lost anything by the end of it. Come to think of it, this was a double blow - because I had to spend that money on weight loss (instead of travelling), and I wasted that money because I didn’t lose any weight. So, I dissapointed my mom - wasted her money, didn’t graduate college, and didn’t lose weight. I dissapointed myself - wasn’t able to go travelling, didn’t lose weight, and dissapointed my mom. I sacrificed all of this for food, I chose to be fat instead. But, this is the past. I choose differently now. I made a mistake, but I forgive myself. I will do this on my own. I could put the money I would have spent on junk food away in a savings account to be spent on travel when I lose the weight and/or graduate college.

3) I sold my soul, and spent the money on food. Dramatic, I know - but this is how I feel. After I gave birth to my daughter I had to work instead of going back to school. It took me 3 months to find a job, and I found a temp position for an insurance company. That temp position turned into a permanent one, and I worked for the insurance company for nearly 3 years. It brought out a lot of my skills, I was good at the job. The last 2 years started to go downhill though, I noticed my personality changing. The skills I was good at using weren’t really alligned with good intentions. I changed positions, and it only amplified this fact. I was good at my job, but my job wasn’t good. Thinking back, now I know that what I was being paid to do went strongly against my values. I was being paid to do something I didn’t believe in. This through me into a huge existential depression (which is off topic, but related). This is why I say I sold my soul - I was being paid to do something I knew was wrong for me. I kept doing it because of how well it paid me. But, what did I do with all the extra money? I bought junk food - every night after doing my soul less work I would go home and order pizza, or chinese food, or vietnamese, or italian, or whatever. Every night. My job sucked the soul out of me, and I went home and filled the emptiness with food. Fortunately, I have already taken care of this. I am no longer doing that work - I am no longer selling my soul. This was done out of rebellion - my soul actually rebelled… as I said, I went into an existential depression… and this depression disabled me, and because of my disability the insurance company terminated my employment. (human rights case still underway). I need to forgive myself for this, and I think forgiveness is underway already. It will probably come when I forgive myself completely for everything that has led up to this happening.

There are a few other small things I think, but I can’t really think of them right now. Nothing too big, so I think it will remedy itself while I work on these 3 main areas. I can’t hold on to this guilt any longer. I am letting it go. Freeing myself from the burden of that guilt. Trusting that I will make the changes necessary to repair the damage that was done. I release the guilt with love, and truly forgive myself for the harm I caused and that I am presently attempting to make better. I will bring justice to those things that were sacrificed in error. I will rectify my mistake.

I am so grateful for having this realization. I am thankful that my request was answered. I love how life works, its beauty and mystery and amazement is what truly inspires and motivates me. I am so happy to have this spark back in my life. I have missed it over the last couple years. I can’t wait to start my new life. Thank you - existence, for everything you have given me, and allowed me to create. Thank you for sending me the dream last night that sparked the realization this morning. I am grateful, peaceful, in love, and truly in awe of your magnificence. Thank you for that.

 Now, I need my buddies’ help here - can you think of some things I can do to remind myself of this, and what I have to do, whenever I start feeling the urge to cheat on my diet? I need to be reminded of this, probably daily - and would love some suggestions on ways to do that. This is something I simply CAN’T forget. Help friends!

I have had a couple people ask for tips, or more information about what my specific diet plan/regime is, so I have decided to blog about what I have been doing so far and how it has helped me.

But first, I want to make something clear - just because I can lose 7 pounds a week doesn’t mean that you could/should. I weigh 327 pounds, and am in my 3rd week of weightloss - so I am only just starting… this is probably why I am losing the amount of weight I am per week. I have heard that losing 1-2% of your body weight per week is a reasonable and healthy goal. I have also heard that you can only lose 2 pounds of fat a week, so a lot of the weight I am shedding is probably water I have retained.  My weight loss will likely reduce itself to 3-5 pounds per week in the coming months. I am happy and grateful for the weight I have lost so far, it has helped me to exercise with less physical pain (due to the weight), and it has motivated me to keep going, but I know it won’t stay at this rate forever, and more importantly - I don’t really want it to. I am 327 pounds, so for me to lose 1-2% of my weight loss I can lose 3.27 - 6.54 pounds per week. But, as my weight decreases - that number will also decrease. So, if you weigh 200 pounds you should be very happy with a 2-4 pound loss per week, 7 pounds would not be healthy for you! Which is probably why you don’t get that number weekly! So, please - please! don’t get down on yourself because you aren’t losing as much weight as I am per week… when I am at your weight (notice I said when, not if! lol) I will be probably be losing at the same rate you are now.

That said, this is what I have been doing and how it has worked for me:

My diet:

I have been following the Canada food guide and adding information from the atkin/southbeach diet to it. So, I am eating all the food groups, except with less carbs and more proteins and fats. Also, I am mostly eating foods that are low/medium on the glycemic index, and avoiding those foods high on the glycemic index. My daily diet includes 8 servings of vegetables (1/2 cup - 1 cup = serving), 2 servings of fruit (1 sm-med fruit, or 1/2 cup = serving), 5 servings of carbs (1 slice of bread, 1/2 bagel/english muffin/pita/etc or 1/2 cup of cooked pasta/rice = 1 serving), 2 servings of dairy (1.5oz cheese, 1cup milk, 1 cup yogurt = 1 serving) , 4 servings of protein (3 oz or 1/2 cup of lean meats, 3/4th cup of cooked beans, 2 eggs, 2 tbsp of Peanut butter, 1 tbsp of nuts = 1 serving) , and I allow for 2-3 servings of fat/oils (1 tbsp = 1 serving). My calorie intake is between 1200-1500 per day. This is how I arrange my food per day:

Breakfast = 2 carbs, 1 protein, 2 veggies

AM Snack = 1 fruit

Lunch = 1 carb, 1 protein, 1/2 fat, 2 veggies

PM Snack = 1 fat, 1 protein

Dinner = 2 carbs, 1 protein, 1 fat, 2 veggies

Dessert = 1 fruit, 1/2 fat

I find it easier for me to plan out my days in advance. I am less likely to cheat, and more likely to eat what I need to, when I have a planned menu of food. At any given time I am following a 15 day menu, which includes 15 days worth planned meals - each organized according to the above schedule. Breakfasts and snacks are often repeated in the 15 days, but I always make sure to have 15 different lunches and 15 different dinners. I even listed out all the groceries that are needed at 3 day intervals, so I have a shopping list for every 3 days worth of food for my family (who are also following the same meals, because they are healthy foods, with my husband eating larger portions). I find having a list of the foods I need to buy every 3 days extremely helpful to avoid buying tempting foods at the grocery store. This way I know exactly what I need to buy, and I don’t buy anything more or less - and it is always the exact, perfect amount of food that I need for the next 3 days. This also helps to ensure that I only eat what is on menu, because otherwise I will run out of food at home!

I started this 3 weeks ago with only 1 - 15 day meal plan, since then I have become a better cook, and have wanted to try new recipes. So now, as I am actively using one of my 15 day meal plans, I am creating my next 15 day meal plan. That way I have a variety of different 15 day meal plans that I can follow at any given time, and in doing so I don’t get bored of the foods I am eating, and I can continue to challenge myself to make new healthy meals. I just keep collecting healthy recipes that I can use, and plan my future days with them. This ensures that I am always excited about making my food, so that I am not tempted into falling into old habits. It is really inspiring when you are excited to try a new recipe, especially when you were like I was (someone who HATED cooking, and was hopelessly addicted to fast food).

I should also mention - that along with my food intake I also ensure that I drink 500ml of water between every meal. I drink a bottle first thing in the morning before breakfast, between breakfast and my AM snack, between my AM snack and my lunch, between my lunch and my PM snack, between my PM snack and my dinner, and between my dinner and my dessert. And I usually drink a bottle between desert and bed time. I make myself finish my water bottle before I eat any meal, to prevent me from overeating. So, I drink a bottle of water at least 6 times a day = 3000 ml/day. This helps me to feel full during the day, and whenever I want to eat outside of my scheduled meals I just chew on sugar free gum and drink my water. It helps a lot.

My exercise

I plan to workout every single day for at least 30 minutes.  I am a member of a gym, and keep an active pass through the city pool. I also have a collection of workout videos at home that I alternate through. At the beginning of every month I plan out my weekly exercise options. This is because every month my gym and the pools change their weekly exercise classes, and I can adjust it as needed to fit my needs. When I plan out my week (which is repeated throughout the month) I allow for 3 different options every day. Usually I pick 1 gym exercise class, 1 swimming class, and 1 workout video. I stagger each of these throughout the day. As an example - every Tuesday in October I can choose between a 9:30am ‘Force’ (1 hour weight lifting) class at the gym , a 8:00pm Deep H20 (1 hour swim aerobics) class at the pool , or I can do my 30 minute Tae Bo workout at home. If I don’t feel like working out in the morning, I still have 2 other options in the day. I have 3 opportunities to work out, and I just make sure that I do at least 1 option a day. This has worked very well for me because it takes the “should” and “have to” out of exercising, and replaces it with “I can do this, or that, or this”.

Lately I have been mostly going with these options every week… it just works best for me:

Monday & Wednesday:  1 hour deep H20 class @ 8pm, Tuesday & Thursday: 1 hour Force class @ 9:30am, Friday & Saturday & Sunday: 1 hour ‘Breathe’ (tai chi, yoga, and pilates) class. Occasionally I don’t make it to class, and just do one of the other options instead… but I have stuck to this schedule pretty much completely this month.

My supplements

I have to take levothyroxine daily for my hypothyroidism, and I supplement it with some other vitamins and helpful pills. Such as metamucil capsules with added calcium, hydroxycut, Relacore, 5HTP, and a Women’s multivitamin. Hydroxycut helps with my energy levels and provides me with motivation. Relacore helps me to reduce my stress, elevate my mood, and reduce my anxiety. 5HTP is a natural supplement which is great for depression. This is what I take every day:

9:00am - 1 levothyroxine, 1 metamucil, 1 relacore, 1 hydroxycut

1:00pm - 1 5HTP, 1 metamucil, 1 relacore, 1 hydroxycut

5:00pm - 1 hydroxycut

10:00pm - 1 multivitamin, 4 metamucil

I have also been supplementing everything with some ’soul work’ - I have really been digging deep trying to find the roots to my problem, figuring out who I am, who I want to be, and what I want to do with my life. I spend a good portion of my day working on this aspect, with help from some good self help books which provide me with exercises to work on. I also spend 15 minutes every morning going through some positive affirmations, and it helps set up a good start to my day.

I find that all of this is taking up a huge portion of my time every day, and I am totally grateful that I have the time to do what I need to. I find that it requires a lot of focus, determination, and organizing. Planning success is probably one of the most important things I have done. I keep going through trial and error, but now I have combined everything that worked and put it together in a way that I can follow it easily. I occasionally make changes to the plan, as new things come up, or as I find things that aren’t working well, and I know that will always be a necessary part of this journey. But -it is easy to follow instructions once they have been made, so you just need to give yourself instructions, and do it every day. Eventually I will not need to focus so much on it, because it will be a habit - and then I can spend that extra time doing other things… but for now, my primary focus is on doing what I have planned and doing it properly in a healthy way.

I hope this helps, if anyone wants to know more - let me know! I would be happy to help  :)

I was thinking about it last night, and decided that I should probably let you all know a bit about how I gained my weight and my history with dieting. I think it would do me a lot of good to track down how everything started and try to identify some patterns associated with times of weight gain. If you identify some patterns that I haven’t - PLEASE comment on them… your input means a lot to me! I am going to start young, with the things that I think started my weight problems, and it looks like it is going to be really long - so hang in there!

I was a pretty active kid when I was younger; I was a bit of a tom boy and tended to play sports with the boys. I was involved in basket ball, gymnastics, volleyball, hockey, soft ball, etc. This, I think, mostly was because of my dad. My parents got married when my mom was 8 months pregnant, and got divorced when I was 8 months old. My dad got full custody of me when I was 3, and moved me from Ottawa, Ontario (where my mom lived) to Calgary, Alberta. My mom stayed in Ontario, and only seen me during the summer holiday and at Christmas. This stayed true until I was 11 years old, when she finally moved out to Alberta. So, I was raised by my father for the most part - with a little help (grudgingly) from my step mom. My dad and step mom separated when I was 9 - and she took my 3 year old half brother, and left me and my dad alone. Aside from losing my brother, I was ok with it - because, frankly, she treated me like shit. I had to tolerate a lot of emotional abuse from my step mom, so I wasn’t sad to see her go. After they separated, my dad didn’t really know how to take care of me - he depended on her a lot, so when she left I sort of had to take care of myself (mind you, I was mostly taking care of myself before then too - since, as I mentioned earlier, she took care of me grudgingly). Soon after they separated my dad moved in with another woman, who had 2 boys around my age. I don’t know for sure - but I think the reason my step mom and my dad separated was because he was seeing this other lady and cheating on her. But, this is speculation.

Anyway, I started developing (puberty) earlier than most girls, around 10 or so. I was getting larger in some areas, was pretty awkward for the most part, and I stopped being so much of a tom boy. I wanted to be pretty, and wear dresses and nice outfits. I wanted to get my hair permed to look beautiful. My dad didn’t know how to handle it, and at that time my mom wasn’t around. The woman my dad started dating would make nasty comments about my weight and my appearance. My dad soon followed suit, telling me to “suck in my gut”. Yelling at me for wanting a snack, to the point that I would have to sneak food when I was hungry. All of this happened in front of my 2 step brothers, which was very embarrassing for me. Soon after my mom moved to Calgary (when I was 11), and I began seeing her every weekend. The Christmas when I was 12 was a brutal one - my father and I got in a huge fight over me wanting to wear a dress to the Christmas pageant, and out of anger I yelled “I want to live with my mom” - he took that seriously, and shortly after I moved in with my mother.

Now, I know that seems like it would be good - but it really wasn’t, for 2 reasons. 1) My dad gave me up because he didn’t have a woman to take care of me anymore. His new girlfriend had 2 kids of her own, and didn’t care for me much. Plus I think I hurt his feelings (mind you I was only 11), but his pride held him back from keeping me – and this jeopardized our future relationship. 2) My mom was unstable - she was a waitress in a bar, and worked the night shift.

 In grade 6 (11 years old) my life kind of went like this: Wake up, get myself ready, walk to school (my mom was sleeping, after coming home at 3am), go to school, come home - spend 2 hours with my mom as she got ready for work, then I was on my own again - eat the dinner she made for me, hang out with her boyfriend, put myself to bed. I was pretty much taking care of myself - but the problem is that I was teaching myself how to do it along the way. No one showed me how. I sort of figured it out as I went along. At that time I was getting teased at school a lot, being called fat and ugly, etc. Mostly because I was dressing myself, doing my own hair, etc. Well, let’s just say I didn’t have a lot of friends.I seen my dad every second weekend, but this was happening less and less consistently. My dad would cancel more often than not. Whenever I did see him, he was so pre-occupied with his “new family” that I felt more like a stranger he was having over for dinner. The same thing was true for my brother - if not worse. Eventually my dad stopped seeing my brother, for good - and to this day my brother hasn’t seen or talked to his dad in over 12 years (and he is 19 years old now). My dad decided that my brother wasn’t his - and that is his justification (though completely unfounded). Personally, I think my dad’s new girlfriend just didn’t like him having to pay so much in child support. Either way though, my brother was soon out of the picture - and soon I would be too. In grade 7 (12 years old) I started junior high in a new community at a new school. I had a fresh start. I started getting better at taking care of myself. I was stylish - I had an eyebrow piercing, was dressing in clothes that were more acceptable, and I was evening out physically. I became popular, started having friends - and boyfriends. That is until my best friend at the time turned on me, started spreading rumours, and got other people to gang up on me. I was getting beat up at school, stalked and taunted outside of school - to the point that by the last few months of the school year I didn’t go back. I was pulled out of that school year early because of it, and the next year started in a new junior high.

Grade 7:   In grade 8 (13 years old) I started rebelling against, well - everything. I taught myself to smoke cigarettes (yes, I taught myself - no peer pressure), I started smoking pot, I was dressing in the alternative style, started skateboarding, etc. I was definitely the bad influence in my school at that time. I was thin, healthy looking - but totally obsessed with an idea of how fat I was. My self esteem was absolutely awful, and my confidence was shot… so I over compensated for it by putting on this “bad girl” persona. After being bullied so bad in grade 6 and 7, I refused to let it happen again. Although it worked in the school, it didn’t do a lot for me in other ways. I was a bit of a slut, yes - nasty word I know, but it is true - I was fooling around with a lot of people. I usually had at least 2 boyfriends on the go. I was hanging out with older crowds, guys from high school and even some older. My mom was still working nights, so I found myself hanging out on the streets in downtown Calgary with street kids, gutter punks, gangs, etc. I started dressing gothic, which was supported by a depression that was approaching. Towards the end of grade 8 I was extremely depressed, and in the summer of 1997 it was full blown.

Grade 8:

My depression was not well understood. I was isolated from my family, and only my friends really supported me through it. My mom was definitely worried for me, and she was the only family member who seen beyond my gothic exterior and knew there was still good inside me. My dad had no idea what happened to me, and he pushed me even further away – wanting nothing to do with me at that point. He had his new girlfriend, with her 2 kids, and didn’t need me around anymore. He gave up. This devastated me. I gave up. I stopped caring about myself completely.In grade 9 (14 years old) I started in another school, yet again. I was so extreme at this point that it was more of a shock to everyone at the new school. Of course, I quickly acquired bullies – but I didn’t care, I was ready for a good fight. At this point I was extremely gothic. Like – think Marilyn Manson type gothic. I was carrying a knife around my neck like a necklace.  I was cutting myself regularly – and proudly. I didn’t care if anyone seen me – I was proud of my scars - my battle wounds. Little did they know that the only reason I cut myself was because the physical pain was a nice vacation from the mental agony I was experiencing. I didn’t care whether I lived or died. I had no preference either way. Well, I soon met a girl who was also gothic at that school (only the 2 of us were, everyone else was dressed normally) – and she was the previous target of my newly acquired bullies. So, it didn’t take long before I started standing up for her - a little more aggressively than is acceptable, especially for a newcomer in the school. From the previous year and the summer hanging out on the streets downtown I had developed a rather large group of friends. All freaks, no doubt – but good friends. One day the bullies in my school went a little too far, and pushed me over the edge. At lunch, I gathered my friends – and about 40 goths/punks/street kids/ etc came together at my school with knives and bats and other weapons. My bullies had gathered their own group (preps/gang members), and there was a bit of a showdown (so to speak)… before anything happened, the cops showed up (THANK GOD!!!) – and the groups scattered. Well, that day I got expelled from my first of 5 junior highs that would expel me that year. That is right – I got expelled from 5 junior highs in grade 9. Grade 9 was a HUGE year for me – I started doing Acid, Mushrooms, continued smoking pot. Started dealing drugs, hanging out more and more on the downtown streets. I wouldn’t even go home after school anymore; I would just go straight downtown. Not that it mattered; my mother was off to work for the night anyways. I would stay out until my last bus (1:00am) – and then finally go home. Usually all burnt out on one drug or another. My depression was fierce and seemingly unstoppable until I was expelled from the 5^th school that year – and was put into a young adult hospital program for 3 months. I was living in the hospital, getting treated for my depression. I was still rebellious, unstoppable. I would run away from the hospital, and then get picked up by the police and brought back. Going AWOL happened more and more often, until they were fed up and kicked me out of the program. Even though I ran away from the hospital, deep down inside I was thankful for being there. It was like I was locked in a little room inside me – watching this monster unleashed on the world, crying and screaming desperately to get out and get free from this unbearable sadness and anger. So, when they kicked me out of the program – I was devastated. I went home to find my bedroom torn to pieces. My mother’s boyfriend at the time had decided that while I was away he would find all my stashes, all my razor blades, all my knives and throw them away. But in doing so, he left my room a huge mess – everything was destroyed… it wasn’t done respectfully, it was done out of anger. So, when I seen it – I lost control. I actually blacked out… but have been told that I ran to the kitchen, pulled a knife out and ran back to my room and was about to stab him. I came too, and I remember that my mom’s boyfriend (a 6’1, 240 pound man) was hurled up in a small ball, and I was standing over him with both hands on a huge kitchen knife in a stabbing position. Instead of stabbing him, I took the knife with one hand and stabbed myself. I was cut open, and rushed to the hospital. I remember being stitched up, and the doctor recommending that I go to the young adult program at the hospital I had just been kicked out of. Yaaa. As awful as it was, that was the end of this terror… I never cut myself again after that stabbing. My depression was still there, but my rebellion had calmed down. Ironically, amongst the chaos of this year – I met my future spouse, Jose’. He lived in a small town (Ponoka) outside of the city I lived in (Calgary) – we dated for a couple of months, but broke up because neither of us had a car, and it was too difficult to see each other. This was a chaotic year, and I shouldn’t have passed grade 9 – I certainly didn’t get an education, but the school board had nowhere else to put me, they wiped their hands clean of me and sent me on to high school – where I could drop out freely.Grade 9:

But I didn’t drop out. In grade 10 (15 years old) I started at a very unique high school, it only had 120 students – all very alternative in their ways. There was 1 teacher to every 10 students, so the class sizes were very small. It was based on democracy – every student had equal say and each had a vote. The school would meet every Friday to decide on things in a General Democratic Meeting. It was liberating. I found my place. A few months after starting, my depression abated. I was still hanging out on the streets downtown, and a lot of the people I knew down there were also in my high school. There was a shift in who I was hanging out with when my depression ended – and I met a new group of friends… Ravers. I started going to raves – continued doing drugs, and eventually went from Acid/Mushrooms/etc to Ecstasy (and everything it was mixed with – including meth, cocaine, heroin, etc). I was so incredibly happy. I went from one extreme to another – the depressed Marilyn Manson like Goth girl became an insanely happy colourful candy Raver.  Needless to say, my lifestyle was pretty extreme.

Grade 10:

As you can see from my lifestyle over my teenage years, I wasn’t really being taught or exhibiting any kind of healthy choices. From grade 7 to grade 12 my mom gave me $20 every day to eat. In grade 7 and 8 I would take that money and spend it at fast food places for my lunch and dinner. From grade 9 to grade 11 I wouldn’t eat all day, then after school I would go downtown, go to McDonald’s and buy a $5 double cheeseburger meal, then buy a $5 pack of smokes, and pitch the remaining $10 with my friends towards drugs. I was always pretty active – walking everywhere I went, walking through the downtown streets, wondering the city on ‘shrooms… and going to raves every Saturday night and dancing on crazy drugs from 10pm to 6am. It may come as a shock, but I did graduate from high school. By the end of grade 12 I had completely stopped doing drugs. I seen what was happening to my friends – and I didn’t like it. Most of the people I was hanging out with were unhappy, unsuccessful, and headed down a really bad road. Most were addicted to at least one kind of drug. It was no longer about dancing and having fun anymore. I decided not to go there. I focused on my studies and got a scholarship to college. Grade 11:

In the middle of grade 12 I was weighing in at 190 pounds, and I decided to go to Jenny Craig. I lost 30 pounds on that program, and reached a nice healthy weight of 160 pounds. I was fit, healthy, and looking good. I even felt good about myself at that point. Life seemed to be going really well – and I was truly happy.

Grade 12:

In the summer of 2001 I had stopped hanging out with about 95% of my friends. I had a couple close friends still, but we were going on different paths and soon they were mostly gone as well. As chance may have it, Jose’ (the boy I dated for a couple months when I was 14) called me that summer. He had moved to Calgary, never forgot about me – and wanted to see me again. I agreed to meet him downtown, but at the last minute decided against it because my mom hadn’t liked him much and the break up was weird – plus, I was dating someone at the time. Almost instantly as I thought this, he called me and told me it was raining so he wanted to come over to my place instead, and asked for my address. I decided “what the hell”. I didn’t really think we would connect again – but we did. Both of us were in relationships at the time, he was still living with the girl he moved to Calgary with… but the relationship grew quick, and grew strong. Soon we had both broken up with our former partners, started seeing each other, and he moved in with one of my close friends. I started college in Sept 2001, and did really well that first year. I was on the dean’s honour roll – I was doing my family proud. I was talking to my dad every 6 months, and seeing him once a year at most. But, he was happy to hear I was doing better – though didn’t care enough to be part of it. I was still living with my mom, but mostly stayed over at Jose’s place. I would eat most of my meals at the campus cafeteria – having lunch and dinner there. Or, ordering out when at Jose’s place.Towards the end of my first year of college (2002) I started putting on a lot of weight. I wasn’t as active anymore, because of the lack of friends and the increase in studying. So, I decided to start doing some exercise classes. I was doing Deep H20 classes, and pilates, along with Tae bo. Regardless of this, I seemed to maintain my weight. The summer after my first year, I started working – and had some extra cash. I moved out of my mom’s place, and in with Jose who at this point I had been with for about a year. We lived about 1 block from McDonald’s – never ever going to happen again. I ate McDonald’s everyday that summer, at least once a day. Thankfully, I was travelling to work via a bicycle – so I was getting in a lot of exercise that summer. Regardless though - by September of 2002 I was weighing in at about 200 pounds. When I went back to school in September I was feeling a bit down about myself, I was lacking motivation to do anything. Through winter I stayed stagnant, missing classes and staying home and eating McDonald’s. I was so fatigued by the end of it that I was having problems making myself go to school. By March of 2003 I weighed 260 pounds. I gained 80 pounds in 6 months. So, I started exercising again – and I started watching what I ate – but it didn’t help. By September I gave up and decided to see a doctor about the insane amount of weight that I put on. At that time I found out that I had Hashimoto’s disease – a form of hypothyroidism, and that this would explain my lack of motivation, my fatigue, and my huge weight gain. I started taking medication immediately… and I was excited to finally be able to lose weight.Now, I can look at what happened next in 2 ways. 1) It was perfect timing, or 2) it was bad timing. In November of 2003 I found out that I was 1 month pregnant. Due in July of 2004. My doctor recommended that I have an abortion because Hashimoto’s disease can cause cretinism. I decided not to have the abortion, and take care of the child regardless. The reason I say I can look at this as perfect timing is this: I started my medication about 1 month before I conceived… so just as my medication kicked in, I got pregnant. It seems meant to be. Now, the reason it is bad timing is because I would now have to be pregnant with a starting weight of 270 pounds…

I gained 35 pounds in my pregnancy (I was lucky!). I was 305 pounds when I was due… but I dropped 35 pounds when I gave birth, and was left where I started. Now, you should know that my mom got pregnant 2 months after I did. Yeah, I have a half sister who is 2 months younger than my daughter. My daughter is older than her aunt. This was extremely difficult for me to handle. I was 21 at the time, and my family did not approve of me having a baby. I felt like a disappointment. So when my mom was pregnant, and everyone was thrilled about it and was showing their support – it hurt me deeply. I felt like a failure. During my pregnancy I sought refuge online. I joined online support groups, since I only had 1 close friend (who, btw was also pregnant – she had her son 2 months before I had Myah). I became horribly addicted to the internet. I went to yahoo chat groups and would stay on them for hours and hours. I did this pretty much my entire pregnancy.

I gave birth to my daughter on July 18, 2004 and I breastfed her for a year – so decided not to try any diet until I was done. When I was done I decided to try Jenny Craig again. I was on Jenny Craig for about a year – and was yo-yoing the entire time. I would lose 5 pounds, and then gain 5 pounds. After a year, I gave up. I didn’t have the money to waste any longer – I spent $5000 which was saved up by my mother and that was meant to be given as a gift when I finished college - which I didn’t. My mom wasn’t impressed, btw, but she gave me the money to help me lose the weight. My dad wasn’t really around through all of this. He met my daughter once when she was 1 month old, and then again when she was 10 months old. I was speaking to him on a yearly basis for the most part. It made me very sad to know that he didn’t care much to see her more, but by this time I had learned not to expect much from my dad. Though, it upset me to think about it. As for my mom, well – I had my daughter about 3 months before she had hers, and for the first 3 months my mom was over every single day. She loved Myah – she couldn’t get enough of her. Mostly I think it was just the pregnancy hormones kicking in, she had baby fever… but I loved the time she was spending with us regardless. This, of course, ended when she gave birth to my sister. This was tough, because she wasn’t really able to be a grandma to my daughter after that – she was too busy being a mom to my sister (she quit her job at the bar).  In June of 2005 I found work with an insurance company as an adjuster. I went to school for Psychology, but only completed 2 years of my 4 year degree before I had Myah. I needed to help support my family, so I got a job and decided not to go back to school. I had pressure from my mom to go this route, though it wasn’t what I really wanted. I personally feel that my mom (with her new baby) just didn’t want to continue helping me with my tuition. Her attitude was pretty much – you made your bed, lie in it. As if having a baby was the end of my life (or at least the one she hoped I would have). At this time I decided to stop caring about my weight. I kind of just let the issue go. I actually made myself believe that I was happy where I was – “who cares if I am fat?”. But really, I did care. I always have. This excuse allowed me to indulge on pizza 73 every night for about a year. My ‘not caring’ brought me up to 305 pounds by the summer of 2006. At which time, I decided to try Jenny Craig – again. It worked for a few months, I went down to 270 pounds. At this time my dad was becoming more and more vacant from my life… he wouldn’t return my calls, and when I did reach him to make plans he wouldn’t set a specific day, he would say he would call later to tell me when (and then not call). I identified this as being a big reason for my weight gain, so at the end of 2006 I decided to write him a letter (to get closure).  A letter to basically say what I needed to, to forgive him, request forgiveness, and ask that he let go of what we have been through so we can move forward together – at the end of this letter I gave him the options of being part of my life, or not. I explained that I wouldn’t be calling him anymore – that the ball was in his court. But that if he was going to be in my (and Myah’s) life, he needed to be dedicated to it. I didn’t want Myah to get attached to grandpa, and then wonder why he doesn’t call her. I sent the letter to him by registered mail in early 2007.   Around the time that I decided to write the letter to my dad, I also ended my relationship with Jose. The financial situation, combined with my laziness, my fatigue, my unhappiness with my job, and the stress I put on my family by not dealing with issues took its toll on my relationship with him. He started treating me rather badly – name calling, and other emotional abuse. The emotional abuse turned physical (on both of our parts) so in December 2006 I ended the relationship. We were still leasing the place, and needed to stay until June 2007, and in that time the emotional and physical abuse continued, so in June I moved in to my mother’s basement suite. It bothered me to rent the space from her, but I couldn’t afford any other option, and I hoped that this would help strengthen the rather desolate relationship she had with my daughter. And it did.

I stayed in my mom’s basement from June 2007 to June 2008. From June to November I lost 40 pounds. I was down to 265. With the help of my mother, I was eating properly – she would invite me and Myah up to eat with the family. My mom is very fit and healthy now, so she helped motivate me to exercise – and it worked well. However, seeing firsthand the way my mom was with my sister stirred up some emotions in me – it revealed some deep down thoughts that I didn’t know where there, and it started making me depressed. I noticed how she quit her job to take care of her new baby, and how for the last 3 years she has been there for my sister. I couldn’t help but think about why she didn’t do the same for me. Why wasn’t she there for me? I went through a tough time when I realized that I never really had parents who were there. It hurt me to think about how I raised myself for the most part, and how much of what happened to me wouldn’t have occurred if only I had parents to care for me. I started wondering where she had been from when I was 3 to when I was 11 – where was she when my step mom was abusing me and my dad was ignoring me? Why did she take me from my dad when she couldn’t take care of me properly? Didn’t she know that this caused my relationship with him to fall apart? On top of it all I felt like she wasn’t my mother anymore – she was more like a friend who also had a kid my daughter’s age and that we were just hanging out. She didn’t (and doesn’t) feel like my mother – I honestly don’t see her as my mom anymore… so, that combined with the fact that my father had received the letter I sent (I checked through registered mail) and had decided not to call me made me feel like I didn’t have any parents. I felt incredibly alone.

In November 2007 a psychologist diagnosed me as having Major Depression and Anxiety. I was marked at 30% on the GAF scale – which means that I was pretty much totally disabled due to my mental illness. I took leave from my job at the insurance company under my short term disability plan. I was off for 4 months. During that time Jose’ came through for me in a way that I will never forget. He was there every day trying to make me feel better, and taking care of Myah for me. Even though we weren’t together, he was there for me when I needed him the most - when I was at an all time low. He could have easily taken Myah away from me then, and gotten full custody – because I couldn’t take care of myself, let alone anyone else. I was sleeping 20 hours a day, and then binge eating for the other 4 hours. But, he was there all the way through it.

In March 2008 I went back to work, only to find out that my employment was terminated ‘without cause’. I had a feeling that it was due to my absence, but they refused to admit this was the reason. They offered me a settlement, which I rejected. I have since then put in a human rights complaint against them for discriminating against me because of my disability. This adds considerable stress, but I am doing my best to cope. It is all the easier now that I have Jose’s support again.

Jose and I decided to move back in together – after all, by the end of it we were spending every day together anyways. So, I moved back in with him in June 2008– and we have been getting along very well since then. For the last few months I have been ‘practicing’ my new diet/exercise plan. I put it together, and have been on it for a couple days now with no huge dilemmas yet. Though, I must admit that weighing in on Saturday was a bit of a shock. No one likes finding out that they gained 73 pounds since the last weigh in… but as shocking as it was, it didn’t surprise me – during my depression I neglected to take my thyroid meds as often as I needed, I wasn’t at all active, I was binge eating 4 hours a day – and eating the worst possible foods you can imagine. So, it was a little inevitable.

Looking back, I have noticed a few main things:

1)      I always – ALWAYS – depended on fast, easy, pre-made, pre-packaged foods. I always paid for prepared food. I never learned how to cook, and never really tried. When I was a teenager I would eat at restaurants, eat microwaveable food, and any food to go. When I was in college I ate at a cafeteria, or ordered pizza/Chinese food/etc. Even when I tried to lose weight I joined Jenny Craig – easy, self packaged, microwavable or dry foods. As an adult I depended on fast food places – subway, wendy’s, pizza 73 – delivery and take out were the only way I would go… and usually I would only eat once a day, and eat a whole lot at that time. If I did buy food, it was usually premade, ready to eat, indulgent foods that were easy to eat quickly.

2)     I was made to feel embarrassed about myself early on. I had a low self esteem for most my young adult life, and I have a feeling it started earlier than I even remember. My dad and step moms made me feel like I needed to eat quickly, and in secret – by making me sneak food, and yelling at me when I wanted to eat they made me feel like I was doing something wrong. So I started associating eating with guilt.

3)     The times of depression in my life happened when I become so overwhelmed with my feelings and the things happening in my life that even food couldn’t calm me (though I tried). Maybe it happens when I am not using food to suppress how I feel or what I am thinking, or maybe it happens when what I suppressed with food comes crashing through – like overflow, forcing me to finally deal with it. I am not all that sure which is true… perhaps both.

Well, this is what I have found upon reflecting on the key aspects of my life… thanks to everyone who had the patience to read through this rather long blog. I would like to know now - have you noticed any patterns that I should be aware of?

Hi there! My name is Angela, but my friends call me Angel. Now, to me that sounds like a bit of an oxymoron, but others seem to think I live up to the title well. I am not sure who is right. I will let you decide. hehe. I was born in Ottawa, Ontario - but have been living in Calgary, Alberta most of my life. I have travelled a bit all over the world, but not nearly as much as I would like. Then again, anyone that loves travel probably agrees with that regardless of how much travelling they have done.

 Anyway, I live with my 4 year old daughter - Myah Verity. She is a little bundle of energy, and I can already tell that when she is a teenager she is going to give me as much trouble as I did to my mother - which is a really scary thought. Myah keeps me busy a lot of the time, but it is close to impossible to keep up with her - especially with my weight being what it is. This is one of the motivating factors in my weight loss journey. Another main motivator (and I know not a lot of people will understand it), is to find a new partner… yes, you read that right. I am in a long term relationship with her father - Jose’ (who I have been with for 6 years), but we are polyamorous… meaning, we have an open relationship and we are accepting of the possibility of meeting another person that we could be in a relationship with. Now, this developed from a simple fact - both of us are bisexual, and we decided not to limit ourselves to one gender. So, although I rarely take on a second male partner - I often crave the companionship of a woman. So, every once and a while I have a girlfriend as well - though it is rare. This is especially true since putting on all of my extra weight. I haven’t had the confidence necessary to fully open myself up to another woman, so I have not entered into another relationship for almost 3 years.. I would really like that to change. So, this is a good motivation to lose weight so I can regain my confidence and build my self esteem and feel comfortable enough with my body to share myself with a woman. Silly, I know - but it is true. I also LOVE to dance, and I think I am pretty good at it - even though I get some funny looks from people when I do it now. Not that I can blame them, how often do you see a nearly 350 pound woman letting loose on the dance floor? So, losing weight would be wonderful in that it would let me express myself through dance much easier - afterall, the physical restrictions my weight imposes is really quite sad for someone trying to express themselves fully. It will be so nice when I don’t have this flab in the way of some of my best dance moves! Every August there is a 6 day music festival (rave) in Salmo, BC called Shambhala - now, I have been wanting to go to this thing for nearly a decade, but never have… this is mostly because of my weight. I just don’t feel self reliant enough to camp for 6 days - even with my friends. Besides, I think of it as the pinnacle of my expression, and I think that being limited in the ways I can express myself out there would only make me depressed. So, I am hoping that next August I will be fit and ready to dance to my potential and shine my true self to the world! Ya!

 So, these are some of the reasons I am here now - working hard to make it happen… and yes, I will have to work very hard. I have about 170-190 pounds to lose. I am 338 pounds and I hope to end up around 150-170. Now, I know that doesn’t sound like a very motivated sentence “I hope to end up” - but you have to understand that I have been trying to do this for 5 years. Every time I start off strong, and I lose momentum - and by the end of it I gain everything back, plus 20 pounds. Yep.. I remember a time when my starting weight was 190 pounds, and another time when it was 260, 280, 310 - and now… 338. Yikes. So, my confidence that THIS time is going to work is a little shakey, but I am gonna do my best to make it work. That is all I can do. In fact, I feel that I need to do it.

Last winter I went through a debilitating existential depression - it shook me at the core (actually that is a bit of an understatement - it was more of a typhoon). I was struggling to find a reason to get up every morning - even my daughter wasn’t reason enough to make myself crawl out of bed. I would sleep for 20 hours a day, and then binge eat for 4 hours, and then go back to sleep again. This lasted for months, and I recently lost my nice cushy office job, that paid really well, because of it - but I also discovered that there was something more important missing in my life - purpose, meaning. I couldn’t ignore it any longer, even if I wanted to. My soul refused to let me live my life the way it was going, and it threw me into a depression so fierce that I lost most of what was important to me. It made me start over - and that is where I am now. I feel like it was a hurricane destroying everything I built, forcing me down to my foundation - putting me in a position to rebuild. Like a natural disaster, it made me start over. So, I am at my foundation - looking at the wreck around me, and trying to decide where to start…

My first decision: to start at the one place I knew needed changing - my diet and exercise. I know that my weight is unacceptable - it is holding me back from reaching my potential, so that is where I am starting. I am currently unemployed, and I have been given this time to start over. Start fresh, strengthen my foundation and begin building once that is done. My foundation definitely has some cracks - I realize now that I was never really taught how to take care of myself, so I have to start there. If any of you know about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, that is a good example of what I need to build. I am starting at the very bottom - taking care of safety, security, food, water, exercise… and once I get those habits enforced and built strong and sturdy I can continue up the hierarchy - find a new job that is meaningful to me and that serves my soul’s purpose.

So, for any of you reading this - if you stick with me, I think you are going to see quite a transformation. Not only am I losing weight, I am re-building my entire life from scratch. The support I get during this time is priceless, and I thank all of you in advance for it! I look forward to this exciting time - and have forgiven all the factors that lead to my prior life’s demise. I am ready for this change, and have nothing better to do than make it happen! Ironic how life works, yes?

So, I am new here - and I am trying to sort out this site… interesting, to say the least.

It looks like I will be able to get a lot out of it once I figure out how to use it. hehe.  I am mostly confused about the blog format, so I think I will just stick with what I know, and leave the presentation part alone for now. I am not really used to developing websites, so you all will have to forgive the rather boring, non-creative look of this page.

Well, just wanted to let you know that I am new, I am here and trying to figure it all out… I will post again soon once I figure out more of how these things all work.