Angel’s transformation

So, I am really working hard to get myself back on track. This week I am going to make it simple, easy to achieve, and totally manageable.

1) Lose 3 pounds

2) Drink 2000 ml of water per day

3) Stick to menu plan, no take out or delivery

I am not going to include exercise yet, I want to get the basics down first - next week I will start working out again when Myah is back in school and the gym and pool are back to their normal hours and class schedules.

So, I have been MIA the last couple of weeks. Not only on here, but also in my own life. I haven’t exercised since December 8th, and haven’t really been following my diet plan over the last couple weeks either. I think the main reason for this is because it was Christmas, my entire routine was disrupted. I have recently discovered that a lot of my weight loss success and my healthy habits have been formed around a routine. As soon as my routine became disrupted, everything else kind of crumbled.

First thing to go was my exercise. I think this started when the preschool Myah goes to had a frozen water pipe burst and flood the playroom - so she was off preschool Dec 9 & 11, and since I workout when she is in preschool those days - when she didn’t go, I didn’t exercise. It only took 1 day of missing my planned exercise to throw me off my course… although she did go back to school the next week, I still didn’t exercise. I think this was because I decided to take a break from exercising, after really enjoying those days off the previous week. The gym and pool schedules started changing to christmas hours, and on the 19th Myah started Christmas break - and this all provided me another excuse to not exercise… in fact, it still is.

I am not sure why, but as soon as I stopped working out - I stopped drinking as much water… in fact, some days I didn’t drink any at all. I stopped eating my planned meals - and pretty much always ate out. Being on the go a lot provided good justification for me to just put my menu plan on hold all together until the 27th. With all the running around getting ready for christmas, and then christmas being here - it was easier for me to just eat out while on the go. So, I stopped eating on plan.

 Now, it is obvious to me that some of my healthy habits have become deeper engrained in me, and less dependent on routine and schedules, because I only gained 1 pound in the 3 weeks of no exercise, reduced water, and no menu plan. Only gaining 1 pound is pretty great considering that a few months ago I would have gained a lot more than that when given free reign. So, that just tells me that even though I wasn’t doing my regular routine on my normal schedule - there have been some great deep changes in me that are irreversible. Which is great news! My hard work is paying off.

Now I just need to get back into my routine, which is proving itself to be very challenging. I really don’t like that my success is so dependent on routine, but I don’t know any other way - anyone have any advice on how I could avoid this all from happening again next time my routine is disrupted? I don’t like that my success is so dependent on stability.

1) Lose 5-6 pounds in order to stay on track with monthly goal. Weigh in at 305-306 on Saturday. I am not convinced that this is entirely possible, but I will try my best to make it happen. I really want to weigh in under 300 pounds by Jan 1, 2009, so we will see if my body can make that happen. If not, so be it.

2) Log all calories in the food journal on Spark People.

3) Exercise 5 days this week.

4) Drink 6 bottles of water every day, and log it on Spark People.

5) No take out at all this week.

6) Focus this week on loving myself. Work on my self esteem, confidence, and focus on my thoughts and feelings. I will use positive affirmations, listen to uplifting music, do meditation, and write down things I am grateful for daily. I will journal the ways that I loved myself everyday this week - Sunday to Friday.

Well, this doesn’t surprise me at all. I am actually very thrilled that it wasn’t more. In my opinion, it could have been ALOT worse.

My measurements for the week: 

Pounds: 311 (+2)

Neck: 15 (+.5)

Bicep: 16.5 (0)

Forearm: 12 (0)

Chest: 50 (0)

Waist: 43.5 (+1)

Hips: 53.5 (0)

Thigh: 30.5 (0)

Calf: 18.5 (0)

Lower abs: 56.5 (+.5)

—-

296 - total of 32 inches and 27 pounds lost in 12 weeks.

So, lets talk about this week… how did this happen?

First off, although I exercised on Saturday (1 hour - breath) and on Monday (1 hour Spin class and 1 hour deep h20 class). I didn’t exercise at all on Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. I was feeling worn down, was sick, and decided not to exercise this week because of it. So,  I definitely didn’t meet my weekly goal to exercise once a day and twice a day 2 times this week.

Secondly, I ate an insane amount of junk food and take out. Oh no, I am not joking. Allow me to elaborate. On Monday I ate lasagna, wings, and caeser salad for dinner. On Tuesday I ate subway for lunch, had a banana buzz smoothy as a snack, and then finished it off with KFC for dinner. On Wednesday I went ahead and ate leftover KFC for lunch, then proceeded to eat 4 turtles, and finished it off with Chinese food for dinner. On Thursday I had Wendy’s for lunch, and then Mcdonalds for dinner. Friday I decided to eat pizza 73 for lunch, and then ate lasagna and caeser salad for dinner… and for dessert, added on half a package of pot of gold chocolates and half a bag of salt and vinegar chips. hahahaha - oh yeah, that was my week. I am grateful that I only gained 2 pounds, and now you can see why! Needless to say, I didn’t meet my weekly goal of only eating take out once this week!

 In fact, I didn’t meet a single weekly goal this week. Instead of losing 3-4 pounds, I gained 2. I logged my calories for the first 2 days, and then was too scared to look! I barely exercised. Definitely didn’t drink 6 bottles of water, in fact - on some days I doubt that I even drank 1. Ate take out every single day. Weighed in every couple days to see how badly I did, and binged - every single time.

So, yeah - my week sucked! I was eliminated from my challenge “who can stay the strongest the longest”, failed to reach my goals, and broke a commitment to a dear friend by eating pizza. I pretty much did everything that I told myself I wouldn’t do. My life went right back, almost exactly, to the way it was when I gained the weight. It was those eating habits that got me to 338 pounds - and I just relived a week of my old life. And… it scared the hell out of me!

So, now I need to ask myself why this happened. Well, I think it may have had something to do with the feelings it stirred up while reading the book I have been reading. In my previous blog: http://angel83.buddyslim.com/2008/12/07/what-if-you-could-stop-your-life/ I had mentioned a few realizations I had come to, and I think they actually hit me harder than I expected. I think this scared me, a lot, and because of it I fell right back into my old habits. Maybe it overwhelmed me, and I just gave up because of it. I also think it has something to do with my depression and anxiety, my recovery, and the fact that I have been putting a lot more responsibility on myself lately. Possibly too much too quickly. I may have got ahead of myself, and started expecting too much from me. That expectation brought out my depression and my anxiety, and I retreated to my old habits and my old life - scared of failing,  scared of the responsibility for my life that I have put on myself and the expectations that come with that responsibility.

I don’t know why I would sabatoge myself like this though. Why would I intentionally undermine every single goal I made and do my best to NOT achieve it? If I am afraid of failing, why would I make myself fail? I must be afraid of something stronger than failure… maybe I am afraid of succeeding? I must be afraid that I won’t be able to live up to expectations that follow achievement - like continued achievement, perfection, increased responsibility, power. Which makes perfect sense, because I have a long standing history of achieving greatness, and having it followed by dissapointment. I am so scared of dissapointing myself again, dissapointing everyone I love, dissapointing those who depend on me. I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle my success and the expectations that come with it. I am afraid that if I become successful, when people start expecting things from me, I am going to dissapoint them. Like I have in the past. How do I stop myself from having people depend on me and expecting great things from me, how do I stop myself from succeeding? I make myself fail. I sabatoge myself. I prevent myself from having to take on that responsibility, accept those expectations, and risk dissapointing myself and everyone else. I just prevent it from happening, by failing. By being fat, staying fat - using fat as an excuse to not being able to do those great things, those things that would lead me to success.

So, I sabatoged my weight loss because I use my weight as an excuse to not achieve things, and I need that excuse to stop me from succeeding, because I am scared of the expectations that come from success, and I am afraid of dissapointing everyone and myself. I am afraid that I won’t be able to handle it, that I am not competent, that I am not good enough.  So long as I have my weight as an excuse, so long as I have weight to lose, I can blame my failures, lack of success, and everything else I am afraid of on my weight. I can use it as an excuse, so that I don’t have to feel the dissapointment directly. Only problem is… I still do. I am dissapointed with myself for not having the courage to handle it all without an excuse. I am dissapointed with myself for letting my health be jeopardized so that I don’t have to be afraid. I am dissapointed with myself for limiting my success, limiting my capabilities, and limiting my life through this excuse. The dissapointment manifests itself through anxiety, and depression. And in response I try to gain more weight, strengthen my excuse - but it only causes more dissapointment. A vicious cycle.

NO MORE! I CAN HANDLE IT! I WILL HANDLE IT! I AM HANDLING IT! I AM FREE OF THIS EXCUSE. THE ONLY DISSAPOINTMENT THERE IS IN LIFE IS NOT LIVING MY LIFE TO THE FULLEST OUT OF FEAR. I AM FREE FROM DISSAPOINTMENT. I AM CAPABLE. I AM CAPABLE. I AM CAPABLE.

Well, today something incredibly inspirational came to my mind and I wanted to share it with everyone. I would love to create this in my life, and WILL find a way to do so!

What I seen was a large circle of women who are each reaching up for their goals with one hand and with the other hand is helping to push up the girl beside her… who is also reaching up for a goal with one hand and helping to push up the girl beside her with the other hand… And this continues on with all of the women. The effect this creates in my mind is amazing! I just picture that with all the women doing this they create an upward spiral bringing everyone closer to their goals through their combined support, and as women join the circle the spiral goes higher.

At the very top of the spiral - once a woman reaches her goal - she can use her now free hand to help pull the girl beside her (who had recently helped push her to get her goal) towards her goal, and then that woman reaches her goal and helps pull up, with her now free hand, the girl beside her in order for her to reach her goal, so on and so forth. Once a woman has reached her goal and pulled up the woman beside her to reach her goal, she goes to the start of the circle, rejoins it and begins reaching for a new goal while pushing the girl beside her up closer to her goal… and it continues this way indefinitely. Totally eternal, totally infinite, totally and completely beautiful.

 I just wanted to share this with my buddies, because it is totally inspired by you - for this is my ultimate goal for all of us!

 I think I may just try to paint this, I don’t know how to paint - but I would love a picture of this on my wall… so I am going to dig deep and pull out my creativity! lol.

Last night I stayed up until 2am doing some ’soul work’. I had a good cry for sure. Came to some really important realizations. I just love that I have this time to do it all. It was definitely needed.

Actually, I was thinking about that last night - and the book I am reading is definitely a soul shaker - in that it shakes up everything in your life. I started reading it last fall, right around the time that I fell into my existential depression - which was the catalyst for everything changing in my life. I put down the book about 1/4th of the way through it - and have just picked it up again. Started reading it again, and there is no doubt in my mind that this book triggered my depression. It is called “take the step - the bridge will be there” - and it asks some pretty serious questions about life… well, it totally made my life over - just 1/4th of the book paved the path of a complete overhaul.

I find it ironic that this book is what triggered me to make the changes that allowed me to have the time I have been given to remake my life. There is actually a part that I read last night that said “have you ever wondered what would happen if suddenly one day you just stopped your life? …. Have you ever wanted to take time out to just be?… What if you could stop your life? What if you had the luxury to step outside yourself and ask your authentic self a few key questions - questions that would put your life into perspective? Who am I? What do I really want? How do I want to belong in this world? Am I living n authentic life?” … well I actually laughed when reading this, because THAT is exactly what I did. I STOPPED my life. I fell into a debilitating depression when I asked myself those questions, I lost my job because of my disability, and the rest of my life (my previous notions of who I was) came crumbling to the floor. Now, in peace - with no expectations placed on me, I get to ask myself those questions again… and make my life over.

So, I picked up the book last night - started over - and it had me crying for about 4 hours as I came to realize that my answers to those questions the first time is what caused the changes in my life. Looking back over the last year - I am just amazed at what I have accomplished. It takes a lot of work, a lot of suffering, a lot of challenges to deal with your life falling apart before your eyes. Especially when knowing that you are the cause of it happening!

Anyway - because of this I didn’t exercise this morning, decided to sleep in - and now I am off to continue reading the book. It is exactly what I need at this point in my life… at a time when I am starting completely over, and making my life the way I want it. A fresh slate.

Life amazes me sometimes, you know? What would you do if you could stop your life, would you change anything? DO IT!

DAILY CALORIC INTAKE CALCULATOR
Age:	25
Gender:	Female
Weight:	309
Height:	5′9
Exercise level:	Every day
Maintenance:  3625 Calories/day Fat Loss:  2900 Calories/day Extreme Fat Loss:  2472 Calories/day   Ex Fat Loss Fat Loss Maintain Monday 2472 2901 3626 Tuesday 2472 2472 2901 Wednesday 2967 3481 4351 Thursday 2472 2901 3626 Friday 2472 2611 3263 Saturday 2720 3191 3988 Sunday 2472 2901 3626

Always try to aim for the “Fat Loss” daily calorie level. The “Extreme Fat Loss” level is effectively a rock bottom calorie level. Do not attempt to immediately drop your calories to this level hoping for the quick fix - this may ultimately backfire. The Extreme Fat Loss level is listed to show the lowest calorie amount that could be considered. It should be seen as the exception rather than the rule.

It truly is better to burn the fat than to starve it.

The Weight Loss Plateau

Over time our bodies adapt to the lowered calorie level. Our body becomes more efficient at using energy (lowered metabolism), and therefore burns less fat.This is why most of us reach a weight loss plateau. At this point, the only option is to boost metabolism; increased cardio, weight training, ‘cheat’ meals (i.e. ocassional high-calorie meals), cycling (or zig-zagging) calories, and even manipulating macro-nutrient ratios can all help to do this (don’t forget adequate sleep and hydration). You often find that the nearer you get to your goal weight (or body fat percentage) - the harder things get!

Continually dropping calories only serves to lower metabolism even further - the moment you return to ‘normal’ eating - the weight comes back on.

When reducing calories:

Try not to lower your calorie intake by more than 1000 calories below maintenance. Doing so may invoke the bodies starvation response, which can lead to the Yo-yo dieting effect.Try to gradually lower calories. A sudden drop (such as 500 calories or more) can cause your metabolism to slow.

What happens when calories are too low?

1) Muscle mass is broken down for energy (catabolism).
2) Metabolic rate will begin to drop (typically) after 3 days of very low calories - this is related to, and compounded by the loss of muscle mass.
3) With very low calories you risk sluggishness, nutritional deficiencies, fatigue, and often irritability. You are completely set-up for a regain in fat if you suddenly return to your previous eating patterns.

1) Lose 3-4 pounds in order to stay on track with monthly goal. Weigh in at 305-306 on Saturday.

2) Log all calories in the food journal on Spark People.

3) Exercise at least 1 time 7 days this week, and at least 2 times 2 days this week. Total 60 minute workouts = 9+

4) Drink 6 bottles of water every day, and log it on Spark People.

5) Limit take out to once this week (only subway).

6) Continue to only weigh in 1x/wk

7) Continue to stop binging - every time

 I am ready!!! Lets do this!!

This week went ok, but upon closer reflection - it could have been better.

My exercise was completely alligned with my goals. This week I was trying to get back on track with my exercising, since being sick last week made me only exercise 3 times versus the normal 5-7 times per week that my body was used to. I went to 1 class on Saturday, 0 classes on Sunday, 2 classes on Monday, 1 class on Tuesday, 2 classes on Wednesday, 2 classes on Thursday, and 1 class on Friday. So I exercised for 540 minutes this week.

My food, on the other hand, could have been better. I went out for dinner on Saturday (Tony Romas - for a friend’s anniversary) and Tuesday (swiss chalet - with Jose’ and Myah). I had a chocolate bar and some candy on Tuesday night while watching a movie. I didn’t binge, but still snacked on the food more than I should have. On Wednesday I had subway for lunch - but that is ok, because it was alligned with my goals. I ate a 6 inch ham sandwich and tomato rotini soup. On Thursday I indulged in some sushi with Jose’ - and, when I say indulged - I mean indulged. I ate past the point when I was full, I remember consciously making that decision. The entire time I figured that with the amount I was exercising, I would need to have a slightly higher amount of calories consumed… and I think I used that as an excuse. Oh well. What is done is done.

 Fortunately I did stick to my monthly goals, and accomplished my weekly goals - so for this I did reward myself with a new nail polish. A bright beautiful purple colour! I can’t wait to put it on! I feel that I worked hard, and deserved this at least. Next week I am going to work on my food intake, and ensure that I am eating the right kinds of foods and much less resteraunt/take out food.

My measurements for the week: 

Pounds: 309 (0)

Neck: 14.5 (0)

Bicep: 16.5 (0)

Forearm: 12 (0)

Chest: 50 (-.5)

Waist: 42.5 (-.5)

Hips: 53.5 (0)

Thigh: 30.5 (-.5)

Calf: 18.5 (0)

Lower abs: 56 (0)

—-

294 - total of 34 inches and 29 pounds lost in 11 weeks!

I created my exercise schedule for December, and I am looking it over wondering if maybe it is too ambitious. Normally I do at least 1 hour of exercise per day, sometimes I miss a day - but for the most part I have stuck to it fairly well… I wanted to include some new exercises and increase the amount of time that I am working out. This is what I have come up with:

 Mondays:

• 6:30pm - 1 hour REVS class (cycling (spin) - new)
• 8:00pm - 1 hour Deep H20 class

Tuesdays:

• 9:30am - 1 hour Force class (weight lifting)
• 7:10pm - 1 hour Mind, Body Spirit class (yoga, tai chi, etc - new)

Wednesdays:

• 4:30pm - 1 hour yoga class (new)
• 8:00pm - 1 hour Deep H20 class

Thursdays:

• 9:30am - 1 hour Force class (weight lifting)
• 6:30pm - 1 hour Breathe class (yoga, tai chi, pilates)

Fridays:

• 10:30am - 1 hour Breathe class (yoga, tai chi, pilates)

Saturdays:

• 10:30am  - 1 hour Breathe class (yoga, tai chi, pilates)

Sundays:

• 10:30am - 1 hour Yoga class (new)

 In this schedule my days off without any exercise would be December 24th, 25th, and 31st. Of course, on the 31st I plan to go to a rave and dance ALL night long! So - I would still be getting in some exercise. lol.

I was thinking that I would aim to get all of those classes in, but at very minimum get in at least 1 class every day, and then at least 2 days a week get in 2 classes. Gives me a bit of room in case something comes up. I really just wanted to get in a couple extra sessions of new exercise, to prevent a plateau. What do you guys think? You have seen what I did in November, is this a realistic goal for me?