Angel’s transformation

I am feeling a little discouraged, and a little unsure of myself. I don’t feel like I know what I want, and it is sort of making me feel detached from everything. I have been having negative thoughts lately, and I am not sure where they came from or why they are here. It is slowly draining me of my positivity and my energy.

Lately I haven’t been very close with my friends, and maybe that is why I am feeling alone. I also haven’t seen much of my close family members aside from Jose’ and Myah. It wasn’t really a conscious decision I made to stop seeing everyone, but something like this has happened before and it didn’t happen due to choice… it just kind of happened. My family life is turbulent, and lately my friendships have been as well. I don’t have many friends, but the ones I do have I have had for a long time. I know there is a natural flow to friendships, sometimes you hang out more often, sometimes less often. But, it seems to affect me and my insecurities in unusal ways.

I must admit that I have a bit of a complex. I tend to push people away before they have a chance to reject me. I always feel like I should somehow be the ‘best’ or most ‘important’ friend to people. Like, I always want to be number 1 in a person’s life. I always want to give something to someone that no one has ever given them. I always want to be their ‘firsts’. I have a strong desire to be special, important, necessary. Maybe it is my competitive nature, but it works more as a disadvantage. When my closest friends stop hanging out with me, and start regularily start hanging out with someone else instead - I feel rejected, and I get sad. I start pushing them away as a result… but in my mind it is them who has decided to stop hanging out with me, and that I am just respecting their choice.

Well, I think that is what is happening now. I have been friends with Stevie since the beginning of high school, and we have a very strange karmic relationship. The things we have gone through and done together is bizarre to say the least. Well, when I went through that huge change in high school when I stopped doing drugs and hanging out with old friends to straighten out my life - she happened to be one of the friends I still contacted, but when I went to college she was still finishing high school, and this caused her to look to someone else as a friend in school. Someone who basically replaced me as her best friend while I was in college. They were extremely close for a few years, and I lost complete contact with her until we had something in common again - we both got pregnant at the same time, and so we hung out together through our pregnancy. Well, as I say there have been times of closeness and times apart… and over the last couple months she started hanging out with the same girl that she hung out with in high school when I was in college. And because of this, she is calling me less and less. Inviting me out less and less, and when she does want to go out it is basically as an extended invite to do something with her and her friend. Well, my insecurity and my ‘complex’ starts acting up hen things like this happen, and I feel like withdrawing.

It has become worse since I started losing weight. A couple months ago she got me a gym membership to the gym she works at, in the hopes that we could workout together. However, she hasn’t been coming with me, and it seems like the better I do at losing weight the worse she feels. I keep asking her to come with me, but she keeps saying ‘no’. I have hung out with her a couple weekends in the last 4 weeks, and everytime I feel like more and more of an outcast. Each time I felt like a tag along. Afterall, they had plans and I was invited last minute. I try to hang out, but then I just get sad. I don’t like feeling replaced, even if I know that this is just me being totally psycho.

Today I went to the gym, and I ran into her (she was working) - she said that her and her friend (same one from high school) were getting together -again- tonight, and said I could come if I wanted to. Maybe that is why I am feeling uncertain today. I feel like celebrating my weight loss success (another 2 pounds, yay!) and all my hard work… but I don’t know if I want to celebrate with them, because it feels less like a celebration and more like something driving us apart from one another. I wish I had a way to celebrate, and someone who really wants to celebrate with me.

I have been thinking all day about what I could do instead, but haven’t been able to come up with anything. Every ‘reward’ I think of involves food that I don’t want to eat (fast food, junk food, etc). I am saving my money for my major reward next weekend (spa day and dinner out at a very nice resteraunt - for succeeding at my ‘no take out’ challenge). I would like to go tonight, but I am just worried that I will feel depressed, and I really don’t want to feel that way right now. I don’t want to feel alone, and rejected, and less important. I want to feel good - I deserve to feel good! I just have a feeling that going out tonight won’t really make me feel good. But I doubt staying in will be any better. I feel like I should be happy, and proud of myself, and whatnot - but I am feeling sad, and upset about my life instead. It is really discouraging, I want to be enjoying my success.

Any suggestions or advice on what I should do? How can I make myself happy, and celebrate my success without destroying what I have accomplished?