Angel’s transformation

Ok, I have identified what I am afraid of… all this time I have been having this fear in the back of my head about losing weight, and have figured out what it is… I am SOOO scared of what I am going to look like. I am afraid that after I lose the weight I am going to have saggy skin, and my stretch marks are going to look like wrinkles, and that my boobs and belly are going to hang to the floor. I am so scared of what is going to happen to my skin after I have lost 180 pounds… *cries*

 Seriously!!! What is my body going to look like? I don’t want to have flaps! I don’t want my boobs to hang to my hips, but if all that fat is removed isn’t that what is going to happen? That skin isn’t going to shrink is it? Has anyone seen the movie ‘click’? Remember his flap, I don’t want to have that!!!! Oh my god… I would much rather be full then have layers and layers of skin!!! ahhhhh.

Really now, what am I going to do about this? If I keep being afraid of what I will turn out like, how could I ever lose the weight??? eek.

I know this is strange, but I am seriously starting to question my behaviour lately… ever since eating out on Saturday I have been feeling a sort of rebellion building up inside of me. It is like now that I have given myself the option to eat out once a week and the option to not work out twice a week - I am constantly fighting with myself to exercise and not eat out. I feel like a part of me is totally rebelling - it got a taste of ‘freedom’ and now it wants to totally take over and conquer these new habits I have formed. I am really worried about this because I have worked extremely hard to form these new habits, but I am starting to think that maybe they haven’t fully developed yet… because how else could I rebel like I have been so far this week?

Fortunately I haven’t given in to the temptations of eating out yet this week - but at the same time, I haven’t really been sticking firm to my planned meals either. I have been missing some of my pills throughout the day, and that has probably thrown me off a bit. I also have not really been sticking to my exercise schedule like I usually do, and that has worried me.

Saturday night was the night that I went to smugglers (after 21 days of not eating out) and had a incredible meal… I definitely ate too much, I was totally stuffed after. I let myself go too far, for sure.

Sunday I woke up late, and missed my planned exercise class because of it. I slept in, and by the time I woke up I had missed my breakfast AND my morning snack… I decided to make a mix of my breakfast and lunch into one meal - so I had an english muffin with egg and ham and cheese (breakfast) served with some tomato soup (half of my planned lunch). I decided to go for a walk at fish creek park with the family to try and make up for my missed exercise. Jose tempted me to just buy lunch from safeway, but I decided against it and made peanut butter and jam sandwiches and a bunch of veggies (other half of my planned lunch). I figured this way I could at least get in the rest of my lunch and treat it like a snack since it would be mid afternoon when I finally ate it. We went for a long walk, and then came home and I made dinner (on plan).

Monday (yesterday) I again had problems getting up in the morning… I stayed up on Sunday night much later than I should have, and paid dearly for it. I was like a zombie all day - I didnt get anything done. I did eat my breakfast (though it wasnt the one I had planned), and I made and ate the lunch on plan after debating for nearly 2 hours whether or not I should just go to subway. I ate my mid afternoon snack, and then decided to run some errands. Well, this took longer than expected - and I was running very late, behind schedule for making dinner. Jose was trying to convince me to just order pizza instead, and I debated for a while whether to just get vietnamese or subway, or go home and make dinner. I decided to try and make dinner. I got home at about 6:50 and needed to make and eat dinner by 7:30. Well, I got about half way done that before I had to leave to my deep H20 class.. so I didnt eat the dinner, and left for the class. I was desperate to get out of the house, because my day was just going so wrong - and I wanted to escape for a little while… I thought exercising would be the best way to go. I decided before hand that I would just pick up subway on my way home after the class. Well, I did the class - and then decided to go home and see if there were leftovers from the dinner I started to make. There was leftovers, and I ended up eating twice the amount that I should have. blah. But - at least I didnt eat subway!

Now it is today… I tried waking up, but couldnt convince myself to get out of bed in time for my 9:30 weight lifting class. I have weighed myself, because I feel so shitty and wanted to know how much I have gained - and it shows that I have gone up 2 pounds. Well, this was obviously a bad idea because I have been feeling even worse since then. I forced myself to eat my breakfast (though not on plan, it was still a healthy meal)… now I am trying to convince myself to go to the 12:10 weight lifting class. I have more than an hour to get there, so I think that is what I am going to do.

Looking back, I know the days werent that awful - but I just feel so crappy! I am feeling unmotivated, and out of control, and totally messed up! I am just not sure what to do here… I don’t know if I should be strict, or be more flexible. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself, or am I not being hard enough? Maybe I am just a control freak, and dont like when things dont go as planned. lol. I just feel overwhelmed. Probably my anxiety acting up - but the last 3 days just seem to be so messy… and I dont like it one bit! I feel so disorganized and out of place. I feel like everything is just falling apart. Ever since Saturday. Is it because I let myself have dinner out - or is that just coincidence? I dont know. Help!!!!

Yep, my first 21 day challenge is complete! I have achieved my goal!

My goal was to not do any take out for 21 days. No take out, no delivery, no drive throughs, no resteraunt meals, no easy processed prepackaged food. The other aspect to this goal was to exercise every day for at least 30 minutes.

Every meal I had in the last 21 days has been home made, by me. I didn’t give in at all, though I wanted to! I said NO, and I didn’t give myself the option to cheat. There was NO WAY I would let myself give in and do take out. This was huge for me.  I mean, I use to eat takeout at least once a day. If not every meal of the day. Honestly, it got that bad. So, this is a big deal. I am very proud of myself!!! 21 days without!!! I don’t think I have done that since I was a kid!

As for the exercise portion… I did incredibly well! Every week I got in at least five 60 minute workouts. There were a couple days where I only worked out for 30 minutes (which is great!), and there were a couple days that I used for recovery and didn’t exercise at all… Out of the 21 days I only went 4 days without exercising. So, I am pretty proud of myself. I think I did really well.

The thing I am most proud of is that not only did I achieve my goals, but also that I didn’t give up when the going got tough. I actually finished what I started… I didn’t give up. Even when I missed a day of exercise, I didn’t let it phase me - I didn’t treat it like a failure… cause it wasn’t! I just kept going, and it was my lack of giving up that made it possible for me to complete my challenge with sucess.

So, yesterday I went to the spa for a 60 minute massage, a facial, and a pedicure as a reward for all my hard work. It was soooo nice! In the past I wouldn’t follow through on rewarding myself… so I am glad that I allowed myself to enjoy my success the way I did. I know I worked hard, and I deserved every minute of that pampering! Tonight I am going to smugglers for a prime rib dinner with my daughter and husband… my first meal out in 21 days!! I am SOOO excited!

Now, I just need to think of what I want to do for my next challenge… hmm…

 This week went well. I exercised 5 days this week, and stuck to my diet almost entirely. Even the times I didn’t stick to my diet plan entirely, I think I was still making healthy choices, and it shows on the scale this week.

 My measurements: 

Pounds: 320 (-5)

Neck: 15 (0)

Bicep: 17 (0)

Forearm: 12 (0)

Chest: 53.5 (-.5)

Waist: 46 (-1)

Hips: 56 (-4)

Thigh: 32 (0)

Calf: 18.5 (-.5)

Lower abs: 57 (0)

*** My total weight loss so far is 18 pounds, and 26.5 inches in 5 weeks - YAY!! ***

I have entered into, and am half way done the 3rd week of my 3 week challenge to not eat take out and workout 30 minutes everyday!

Saturday (Day 15) started off well, I woke up and had a healthy breakfast with my daughter, then went and did my 60 minute ‘breathe’ exercise class. I weighed in, and lost 2 pounds which was better than I expected… the day progressed and I became sad - I was torn and was fighting myself about what to do that night. I had a strong desire to celebrate, but couldn’t think of anything (non-food related) to do as a celebration. After an entire afternoon and part of the evening of upsetting myself, I finally gave up and decided to go to a friend’s house. I didn’t tell them I was celebrating my success, but it definitely was a celebration in my eyes. I seen very clearly the direct changes I have made so far, and noticed how they have become habits now. I was faced with what used to be a challenge to me (being offered pizza, nachos, cheese and crackers, pop, etc) - and easily turned them away without much difficulty (even while intoxicated!)… so, I was very proud of myself for accomplishing SO much in such a short time! It really made me realize how far I have come - and was a much more rewarding type of celebration than letting myself eat the pizza.

Sunday (Day 16) was tough - I had planned to exercise that morning, but since I didn’t get in until 3:30am getting up for my 11:00am class was more than I was willing to do. lol. So, yes - I skipped my workout. I only had 3 vodka water coolers the night before, but I was still feeling a bit hung over. Once I woke up and dragged myself out of bed I decided to try and get at least 30 minutes of exercise in, so I took Myah swimming at the wave pool for a couple hours after lunch. While we were in the pool somebody scratched and dented the passenger door of my new 2008 yaris, so I came out and was pretty upset about it. I know it is a silly thing to get upset about, but I wasn’t at all impressed. When I went home, I found the house in a huge mess - Jose said he would clean up, and he hadn’t done so… this discouraged me, and I didn’t want to cook in that mess! I was very tempted to just order food, but after 20 minutes of moaning to myself I finally made dinner (even in the extremely messy kitchen). After dinner I tried talking to Jose about what was bothering me - and it turned into a huge fight. I guess he was holding in a bunch of stuff, and took that opportunity to let it all out… but the way in which he did was totally inappropriate. He had called me some bad names, and personally attacked me in an emotional way. It was actually pretty brutal, I don’t even want to repeat the things he said to me - it is something I wouldn’t even say if I were trying to severely hurt my worst enemy. It really was that bad. Well, I told him to leave for the night. He left, and then came back after Myah and I had gone to bed.

Yesterday (day 17) obviously didn’t start very well after what had happened the night before. He wasn’t around when I woke up, and that is probably a good thing. I was laying around for most of the day. I didn’t eat breakfast, and didn’t get out of bed until lunch. I just warmed up leftovers of what I made the night before, ate, and then went back to bed. He came home early from work. He sincerely apologized for what he had said, and assured me that it would never happen again. He knew he crossed the line, and apologized for being so unsupportive and selfish. After talking for a while, we resolved things and decided that it would be best for us to go to counselling again - mostly to get some new communication techniques… especially since he holds things in, and doesn’t talk about his problems until he implodes like he did the night before. I told him that if he doesn’t control his anger, and continues to do that - I won’t be able to stay… because that kind of emotional abuse is extremely bad for me - especially with everything I am trying to do now in terms of my weight loss, and self esteem. He understood, and agreed. We had a nice ldinner (on menu), and the night went well. I went to a 60 minute deep H20 class, and then came home and watches Heroes. I was tempted to snack the entire show, but managed to hold off - I was very happy about that, since it was difficult for me to do.

Today (Day 18) is going ok so far. I didn’t get to bed until late, and so I missed my AM workout… but I have had breakfast, and plan to go to my 60 minute weight lifting class after lunch. I am also trying to arrange for a new schedule - mine is getting kind of messy, I keep adding new things that I want to get done everyday, but don’t find the time to do it - so I need to organize myself a bit. Hopefully I can get that schedule made sometime today.

3:30 am - home from Stevie’s:

So, anyone who saw my last post seen the ramblings of a moody Angel. I was able to write my thoughts out, and release them. This was very therapeutic because it made me reconsider what I was doing, and as a result I decided to experiment a bit with what I could do to change it. I challenged my negative thoughts, and tested them out. I decided to see if they had any validity, or if it was all in my mind. I decided to go out anyway. I decided to give it a shot, afterall I could always leave whenever I wanted.  So, I made a ridiculously delicious “thanksgiving” shephards pie for dinner which was completely wonderful, and then got ready to go out. After dinner my mom called and we made plans to go swimming tomorrow. This was really nice and helped to make me feel more loved and appreciated. I felt like she cared to see me, and that was nice. This reinforced my idea about going to Stevie’s, so I finished getting ready to go visit her.

I had to let go of my fears and insecurities, let go of the irrational thoughts I was having, and just go out regardless. When I first got there my jealousy approached, and my insecurities arose - but as they did I just assured myself that this is not who I want to be. I would answer my thoughts with “No, this is not who I am - I release you now with love”… and this worked amazingly well. Soon I started realizing how irrational I was being. I felt loved, and wanted, and appreciated. Because I let myself see it.

There were some temptations tonight. They had pizza and beer, and all sorts of chips and cheeses and crackers out. I was able to say “no”. I was able to politely decline. I didn’t lose control. I did incredibly well. Tonight was a huge learning experience. Learning about what is important to me, what isn’t important to me, what issues I am facing, and what is challenging to me. Most importantly, tonight I acknowledged that this time, I really am doing it. I am changing. I am making the change happen.

Overall, it was definitely a night of celebration - celebrating my changes, and the true impact and positive affect they have had on me. I was able to see the changes I have made in action tonight, when reflected off the backdrop of my old lifestyle. I have made an important step - transitioning my changes into my every day life, and letting them firmly develop and root themselves.

I am very proud of myself.

I am feeling a little discouraged, and a little unsure of myself. I don’t feel like I know what I want, and it is sort of making me feel detached from everything. I have been having negative thoughts lately, and I am not sure where they came from or why they are here. It is slowly draining me of my positivity and my energy.

Lately I haven’t been very close with my friends, and maybe that is why I am feeling alone. I also haven’t seen much of my close family members aside from Jose’ and Myah. It wasn’t really a conscious decision I made to stop seeing everyone, but something like this has happened before and it didn’t happen due to choice… it just kind of happened. My family life is turbulent, and lately my friendships have been as well. I don’t have many friends, but the ones I do have I have had for a long time. I know there is a natural flow to friendships, sometimes you hang out more often, sometimes less often. But, it seems to affect me and my insecurities in unusal ways.

I must admit that I have a bit of a complex. I tend to push people away before they have a chance to reject me. I always feel like I should somehow be the ‘best’ or most ‘important’ friend to people. Like, I always want to be number 1 in a person’s life. I always want to give something to someone that no one has ever given them. I always want to be their ‘firsts’. I have a strong desire to be special, important, necessary. Maybe it is my competitive nature, but it works more as a disadvantage. When my closest friends stop hanging out with me, and start regularily start hanging out with someone else instead - I feel rejected, and I get sad. I start pushing them away as a result… but in my mind it is them who has decided to stop hanging out with me, and that I am just respecting their choice.

Well, I think that is what is happening now. I have been friends with Stevie since the beginning of high school, and we have a very strange karmic relationship. The things we have gone through and done together is bizarre to say the least. Well, when I went through that huge change in high school when I stopped doing drugs and hanging out with old friends to straighten out my life - she happened to be one of the friends I still contacted, but when I went to college she was still finishing high school, and this caused her to look to someone else as a friend in school. Someone who basically replaced me as her best friend while I was in college. They were extremely close for a few years, and I lost complete contact with her until we had something in common again - we both got pregnant at the same time, and so we hung out together through our pregnancy. Well, as I say there have been times of closeness and times apart… and over the last couple months she started hanging out with the same girl that she hung out with in high school when I was in college. And because of this, she is calling me less and less. Inviting me out less and less, and when she does want to go out it is basically as an extended invite to do something with her and her friend. Well, my insecurity and my ‘complex’ starts acting up hen things like this happen, and I feel like withdrawing.

It has become worse since I started losing weight. A couple months ago she got me a gym membership to the gym she works at, in the hopes that we could workout together. However, she hasn’t been coming with me, and it seems like the better I do at losing weight the worse she feels. I keep asking her to come with me, but she keeps saying ‘no’. I have hung out with her a couple weekends in the last 4 weeks, and everytime I feel like more and more of an outcast. Each time I felt like a tag along. Afterall, they had plans and I was invited last minute. I try to hang out, but then I just get sad. I don’t like feeling replaced, even if I know that this is just me being totally psycho.

Today I went to the gym, and I ran into her (she was working) - she said that her and her friend (same one from high school) were getting together -again- tonight, and said I could come if I wanted to. Maybe that is why I am feeling uncertain today. I feel like celebrating my weight loss success (another 2 pounds, yay!) and all my hard work… but I don’t know if I want to celebrate with them, because it feels less like a celebration and more like something driving us apart from one another. I wish I had a way to celebrate, and someone who really wants to celebrate with me.

I have been thinking all day about what I could do instead, but haven’t been able to come up with anything. Every ‘reward’ I think of involves food that I don’t want to eat (fast food, junk food, etc). I am saving my money for my major reward next weekend (spa day and dinner out at a very nice resteraunt - for succeeding at my ‘no take out’ challenge). I would like to go tonight, but I am just worried that I will feel depressed, and I really don’t want to feel that way right now. I don’t want to feel alone, and rejected, and less important. I want to feel good - I deserve to feel good! I just have a feeling that going out tonight won’t really make me feel good. But I doubt staying in will be any better. I feel like I should be happy, and proud of myself, and whatnot - but I am feeling sad, and upset about my life instead. It is really discouraging, I want to be enjoying my success.

Any suggestions or advice on what I should do? How can I make myself happy, and celebrate my success without destroying what I have accomplished?

 I wasn’t sure if I was going to lose at all this week, but it looks like I have. It isn’t as big of a number as I would have liked, but I did pretty good considering everything that happened this week (thanksgiving, TOM, etc).

My measurements: 

Neck: 15 (-.5)

Bicep: 17 (0)

Forearm: 12 (0)

Chest: 54 (0)

Waist: 47 (-2)

Hips: 60 (-3.5)

Thigh: 32 (0)

Calf: 19 (-1)

Lower abs: 57 (-1)

——

313 inches (down 8 from last week!!!)

*** My total weight loss so far is 13 pounds, and 20.5 inches in 4 weeks - YAY!! ***

I have just finished the 2nd week of my 3 week challenge to not eat take out, and to exercise 30 minutes everyday. Yay - 2/3rds done, and 1/3rd closer to my day spa and my fancy dinner out!

Wednesday (Day 12) went pretty well. I didn’t eat out at all, and I did complete a 60 minute deep H20 class. However, I was fighting huge cheese cravings, and gave in more often than not. I did eat my food on plan, but as I said - I think I added more cheese than I should of. Oh well.

Yesterday (Day 13) was a bit of a challege, mostly because I started my period and was feeling rather crampy all day. I was pretty stiff from the previous two days worth of exercise (I upped my weight amount at my weight lifting class on tuesday, and was feeling the effect) - so the combination of both provided me with good reason to not work out. So, I missed my workout - but that is ok, I just wanted to take care of myself during my crampy time. I didn’t eat out at all, ate everything on plan - though I think that I may have indulged on larger portions than I should have.

 Today (Day 14) has gone well. I was still feeling cramps, bloated and extremely swollen - but my husband and my daughter motivated me to go to my 1 hour long ’breathe’ exercise class after having a nice healthy breakfast with the family. I ate everything on plan today, and got in extra water - drinking most of it very early on (attempting to get rid of the bloated feeling and some of the swelling)… but it hasn’t really done much that I can tell yet. I didn’t eat out so I stuck with my challenge and made it through my 14th day!!!

I have a feeling that tomorrow may not go well regarding the weigh in regardless of my efforts this week. I exercised 5 times this week, 60 minutes each. So I got in 300 hours worth of exercise. I know my goal was to get in 30 mins everyday, but I think I did a good enough job with the exercise I got in. Also, I didn’t eat out at all this week! It has now been 2 weeks without ANY take out! Wohoo! It is getting much easier to deal with my cravings, and not giving myself the option of taking out has taught me a lot about myself in terms of what I am capable of doing, so it is very exciting!

Regardless of everything I did well this week, I am still concerned that I won’t be losing any weight tomorrow. I feel very bloated, very swollen, and still a bit crampy. Hopefully I will see a change in my weight and/or measurements, but if I don’t I will try not to be too hard on myself, considering I know that the TOM reaks havok on weight loss attempts, and next week should be better. I am really trying my best to care for myself, and I have done really well and have no reason to feel dissapointed.

4 pieces, in my fridge - right now. It is killing me. Seriously.

 Ok, so Jose’ decided to bring home cake because his work insisted he bring it home for Myah. Well, he has just gone to pick her up, and so far I have already snuck in 3 bites of that delicious cake, and could probably binge on the rest if I wasn’t afraid of what they would say when they got home to find it missing. lol…

 Seriously though, oh my god - this is brutal. I can’t stop thinkin’ about the cake! Evil - he is sooo evil for bringing that into my house, and telling me about it! Why didn’t he just hide it in the fridge, and not tell me it was there - and then him and Myah could eat it when I am not around… ahhh.

 *CRIES*