Angel’s transformation

So, for those who seen my blog last night - I didn’t give in to temptation, I was craving Wendy’s but I didn’t end up eating any! I went to bed instead…

 It took me an hour and a half to fall asleep when I was in bed, I was going through withdrawal - serious, brutal, hardcore withdrawal.

As I lied in bed, sucking on a sugar free mint, thinking about all the reasons I want to lose weight, it occured to me that I was really very angry… like, ferocious anger. Anger that I hadn’t really allowed myself to feel in years. A type of anger, so fierce that it brought me to tears. I didn’t know why I was angry. But, I can see why I wouldn’t want to feel it - I could see how, perhaps, I would choose to eat instead. I thought about every time I ever craved junk food, every time I gave in to temptation - and I realized that it was always when I felt down, the thought of food, of filling myself, made me feel better - and if someone told me I couldn’t have it, if the possibility of not being allowed to binge was there, I would get so angry that I would cry. I remembered times when I would get so angry about not being able to eat what I want - I would take it out on everyone around me, until I gave in - and allowed myself to eat whatever… which, I always did.

This time - I didn’t let myself. I didn’t give in to temptation, I went through withdrawal. I experienced what I had prevented myself from experiencing all these years - holding in that furiostity and covering it up with mountains and mountains of food. I let myself feel it, I let myself go through it, I let myself release it. I embraced it, and I let it go. I was so angry - for almost an hour I cried. I let it all out. I banged my fist in the bed, I cried, I kicked my legs, I let it all out. I didn’t know why I felt angry, but I let myself feel it - embrace it. Move past it.

 Now, I am proud of myself. It was no easy thing to do - but it taught me a lot. I have a feeling that each time I refuse to binge, I will experience something similar to this - maybe different emotions each time… but eventually, it will be done. I did the first step. I did great. I am better for it now. I am so proud.