Angel’s transformation

I am really confused… I thought the first week would be the hardest - but no, not even close. Last week I was full of energy, unstoppable. I was totally on plan - flew through it with flying colours. It is tuesday now, 3rd day into my second week - and I feel bloated, exhausted, grumpy, irritable, and overall miserable. What is wrong with me?

 I just don’t understand what could have happened that would make me feel like this - I just want to sleep all day. I am working out still, but I am not as excited about it - and I am not able to push myself as hard. In the mornings I wake up, and want to roll over and go back to sleep. I feel like my depression is coming back, and I just don’t get why that would be the case - nothing has happened that would make this understandable.

I want to feel better

This last weekend was almost entirely off plan - I had my sister’s birthday party on Saturday, an I ate a variety of meats, cheeses, and fruits - followed by a piece of cake and some icecream. Then, Saturday night I had friends over for dinner - which was super delicious! We had roasted chicken, roasted potatoes, and a beautifully made salad… a friend brought some icecream and chocolate cake, and again - I couldn’t resist, and had some. I drank about 8 oz of vodka, mixed in low cal cranberry juice - then I had about 4oz of Malibu mixed in passionfruit juice. The next morning I was tired, and didn’t feel motivated to do anything. I woke up at noon, and after struggling a bit decided to have my chicken caeser salad (as planned), but as the day progressed I felt worse and worse. By the end of the day I just wanted to watch movies and eat food. I gave in to my old binging habits… I ate a small pizza all to myself at 9:00 at night, and drank 500 ml of diet pepsi. I ate some nacho chips with salsa. I ate a 100 cal chocolate bar… and then went to bed. I know I usually eat more when I binge, so I am glad I didn’t lose complete control - but still, this morning I feel like crap.

 So, I woke up this morning feeling crappy - only to find my bathroom flooded, the water tank was cracked… so first thing, I had to clean it up - now I am waiting for someone to come replace the tank. I won’t be able to go workout this morning, but I am not too sure that I would have anyways if that hadn’t happened.

I really want to pick myself up, but I am lacking motivation to get through it - I need advice, please help me get motivated again!

I weighed in at the gym today after my workout, and I am down to 331 pounds! 7 pound weight loss!! I feel amazing!

I decided to measure myself weekly instead of at every 20 pounds, because it can show me a loss even when the scale can’t. Soo…

Neck: 15.5 (-1)

Bicep: 17.5 (0)

Forearm: 12.5 (0)

Chest: 54 (-1.5)

Waist: 47 (-2)

Hips: 62 (-4!!!)

Thigh: 32.5 (0)

Calf: 20 (-.5)

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261 (9 inches lost!)

So, for those who seen my blog last night - I didn’t give in to temptation, I was craving Wendy’s but I didn’t end up eating any! I went to bed instead…

 It took me an hour and a half to fall asleep when I was in bed, I was going through withdrawal - serious, brutal, hardcore withdrawal.

As I lied in bed, sucking on a sugar free mint, thinking about all the reasons I want to lose weight, it occured to me that I was really very angry… like, ferocious anger. Anger that I hadn’t really allowed myself to feel in years. A type of anger, so fierce that it brought me to tears. I didn’t know why I was angry. But, I can see why I wouldn’t want to feel it - I could see how, perhaps, I would choose to eat instead. I thought about every time I ever craved junk food, every time I gave in to temptation - and I realized that it was always when I felt down, the thought of food, of filling myself, made me feel better - and if someone told me I couldn’t have it, if the possibility of not being allowed to binge was there, I would get so angry that I would cry. I remembered times when I would get so angry about not being able to eat what I want - I would take it out on everyone around me, until I gave in - and allowed myself to eat whatever… which, I always did.

This time - I didn’t let myself. I didn’t give in to temptation, I went through withdrawal. I experienced what I had prevented myself from experiencing all these years - holding in that furiostity and covering it up with mountains and mountains of food. I let myself feel it, I let myself go through it, I let myself release it. I embraced it, and I let it go. I was so angry - for almost an hour I cried. I let it all out. I banged my fist in the bed, I cried, I kicked my legs, I let it all out. I didn’t know why I felt angry, but I let myself feel it - embrace it. Move past it.

 Now, I am proud of myself. It was no easy thing to do - but it taught me a lot. I have a feeling that each time I refuse to binge, I will experience something similar to this - maybe different emotions each time… but eventually, it will be done. I did the first step. I did great. I am better for it now. I am so proud.

Oh man, I am so close to going through the 24 hour drive through to get a Wendy’s double cheeseburger meal with a large chili! I am just dying right now… I am desperately craving that full feeling, I just want to eat and eat and eat and then go to bed and sleep. I want to feel the warmth that eating that chili and cheeseburger provides. I want to just give in and let myself have it… I think, I deserve this, I worked so hard all week - can’t I just have it once? This could be my cheat day, no?

I won’t let myself do it, but it hurts. I want it so bad. I just keep thinking about it, it goes away eventually, but then it comes back. I have already tried eating a can of hot tomato soup to curb the craving, but it didn’t work. I still want it. Even though I don’t really feel hungry, maybe I am just tired, maybe I just need to relax.. but I really just want to eat.

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I crave sabatoge? I have worked so hard, why am I so desperately trying to throw it all away? What is it about me that wants this so bad that it hurts? I am not hungry, I ate well today - I had good meals, nice fulfilling yummy meals. I don’t feel deprived, I am not thirsty - I drank a ton of water… why do I want to make myself fail? It isn’t like I feel good after I eat Wendy’s… I will probably feel gross, and bloated, and nasty - but I WANT it - SO bad… why do I want to feel so gross?

 AHHHH!

I really appreciate the support you have all given me. If it weren’t for all of you, and this site, I probably would have fallen into my old habits when I was feeling down today and yesterday - but everytime I felt like cheating on my diet because I was feeling sad, or felt like I didn’t want to work out because I just wanted to go lie down and cry it out - I came on here, and noticed someone else writing on my blog, encouraging me, being understanding, and making me feel so incredibly loved.

 I haven’t even been here for a week yet, and I already feel so loved and cared about… so thank you, thank you, thank you.

Today was a challenge for me. I woke up feeling a bit depressed, and the day got worse as it progressed. I have been exhausted, irritable, and frustrated. I have been fighting with Jose’ all day, and have felt totally alone and unsupported by him. I went to a friend’s house tonight for dinner to try and get away from it - and it helped a little, but I still came home with a stronge urge to order pizza and binge. I didn’t do it. I didn’t binge, and I am proud of myself for that reason.

 But, I did eat some of my daughter’s chocolate - 4 raspberry flavored chocolate balls, and I at some popcorn as I watched a movie. I felt like I needed comforting, so I indulged a little. Definitely much less than I normally do, but still - I indulged. I am not going to be too hard on myself about it. I know the reason I did it, and I probably should have just gone to bed and slept off the upset of the day, but I didn’t.

Now I am feeling down, because today wasn’t very good - I felt really alone, and felt uncomfortable in my own house. It didn’t help that when I came home from my friend’s place he didn’t say anything to me - just went to bed. So, without resolution, without closure - here I am, sad and alone. Just totally depressed, and a little angry at home as I listen to his snoring. ugh - his snoring.

 Well, I think I am going to go listen to my Harry Potter book tape, and try to move past my day. Hopefully I can wake up in the morning and find some nice supportive messages to help me start fresh and have a great day tomorrow.

Being a perfectionist is no easy thing, especially when trying to lose weight. But, I realized today that my all or nothing thinking acted as a nice excuse for me to not achieve my goals. Whenever things didn’t go as planned, whenever a bump in the road came along, I gave up - I thought that it was over… I had failed. But really, the only reason I failed was because I thought it was over before it had to be. I gave up when things didn’t go my way, and that was the failure… it wasn’t the thing that didn’t go my way. So afraid of failing, that I would fail before I had a chance to even give it a real effort. A self fulfilling prophecy in a way… but again, a wonderful excuse to take the easier route.

The thing I don’t understand is why I would do this - it isn’t that my goal, my hopes, my dreams weren’t strong enough. Everytime I tried to lose weight, I really did strongly desire to be thin. So why did I sabotage myself? Why would I have given up so easily? Was I really that stubborn, that much of a control freak, that even when I was standing in my own way I refused to move? Why is it that I could never get below 270 pounds - why would I always regain all (and more) of my weight once I reached that point? Could it be as simple as that I just didn’t break out of old habits? That my addiction overcame me? Or was there more to it?

I don’t remember ever making a conscious decision to stop dieting, stop exercising, stop trying - one day I would just notice that I was muching down a bag of chips, and wonder what happened? When did I decide to stop eating on plan? It usually took one slip up, as soon as I gave in to temptation even once - I was done. I didn’t need to make a conscious decision - it was previously concieved that I couldn’t keep going if I were to cheat, so whn I cheated quitting my diet automatically followed. Then 3 or 4 days later I would try again, and then cheat (usually in the same day) and it was over again for another few days. In those few days I would binge like crazy. All or nothing. I would have to do everything on plan, or I would do absolutely nothing… actually, worse - I would do everything I shouldn’t do! One extreme to another.

 So, as I reflect on this - I worry. I am on my 5th day - and although I have had temptation, I haven’t really given in yet. I have compramised with myself, but it was all within my diet plan. Everything I did was allowed - I gave myself enough wiggle room to allow for this to happen. But there is a constant fear in me that once something comes up that isn’t on plan, I am going to fail like everytime before… what happens when I get bored of my diet plan, what happens when life happens - when I have to get a job, and not spend all day focusing and planning and working out weight loss problems? What happens if I do give in to temptation? Will I fail myself like everytime before? Will I be able to keep on this way? I am terrified that I will fail again - I so badly want this… I don’t think I can handle it not working again. I so desperately want it to work this time.

 Well, the only thing I can think of to do is prepare. Prepare - prepare - prepare. While I have this time I think I am going to plan an alternate 15 days worth of meals - so that if I get bored of the days I have planned, I have a back up group of days that I can use. Hopefully by the time I need to return to work I will have such firm and strong healthy habits in place that I will be able to handle the change well and still manage to fit in the exercise and healthy eating that will be necessary to maintain this lifestyle.

 As difficult as it is (especially since I have anxiety) - I am just going to let the fear go. Stressing over it isn’t going to help me achieve my goals - the only that will work is to take action towards preventing the things I am afraid of. Sitting here worrying and thinking of what could go wrong is counter productive.. so yeah. I am going to stop now. haha.

 Any suggestions or advice you have to help me move past my anxious thinking patterns and insistant worrying about failing, or to help me prepare myself so that if/when I do give in to temptation I don’t give up like every other time, would be very appreciated! Help me eliminate my all or nothing thinking!

Well, this is my 4th day on program… I have done really well so far - worked out every day, drank at least 2000ml of water each day, eating food as planned… but today, actually - tonight, that was a challenge. It may be because I sat down and watched the biggest loser for 2 hours, and I don’t do well watching TV - I tend to crave food and want to snack on something… so, tonight I went through a bunch of cravings. At first I craved chocolate - so, I allowed myself a small desert (which was on plan anyway, so it was ok).. and then I craved pizza - so I allowed myself to sneak into the kitchen and go and have 2 bites of the left over shepherds pie I made for dinner. I continued to want to eat as I watched the show, but I drank a bottle of water instead. I made it through!!! I did it - I didn’t give in to temptation.

 The funny thing is, even when I allowed myself to eat something that wasn’t off plan I felt guilty! I had to actually sit down after my show and shake my head… I went and put it in my food log, and then laughed about how silly I was being. I had only consumed 1855 calories, and was at a total of -2018 calories for the day. So, I was allowed to eat another 1000 calories or so and still be on plan. But, because it was reflective of my old binge eating habits - I totally felt guilty. I started feeling bad about it. How ridiculous! I even snuck into the kitchen to have a bite of left over dinner… trying to hide this from Jose’! Like he cared! Well, it really makes me realize how deep down engrained my guilt association is… I am no longer the 10 year old girl trying to sneak food from the fridge and hide it from her dad, but I am the 25 year old woman who feels guilty about eating food - even when it is allowed!

I have been pretty strict with myself though, and although I haven’t felt deprived - I haven’t been eating the total amount of calories allowed each day. I have been cutting out my deserts, because I thought this would help me lose more weight… so then when I actually allowed myself desert tonight, I felt bad. I felt guilty about eating what was on plan. Well, that is just silly. If a friend told me that I would laugh at her. lol.

 So… this is me laughing at myself.

Food Log

Exercise Log

I posted this on the binge eating thread in the forum, but wanted to add it to my blog because it really made me think about my situation - and I want to remind myself of it when I need to… so ya. If you have something to add, please do - I love hearing from you! :) 

I am - correction - I WAS a binge eater. I had a tendency of eating nothing all day, and then eating a huge amount of food every night. I would rent/buy movies, or plan to watch my favorite TV shows, and then go and buy around $50-$100 worth of extremely high fat, high sodium, high carb foods. Often I would get 1 or 2 meals from a fast food place, or order pizza or chinese food, and on top of it buy a bag of chips, some chocolate, some candy, some pastries and a 2L of non-diet pop to wash it all down with… I remember thinking that I wanted a bit of everything (every junk food group). I would go home, put in my movie, or turn on my show and eat all of the food I just bought for 2-3 hours straight and then go to bed.

The next day I could barely get out of bed. I would have problems getting to work. I would struggle with my day - starve myself - and then go home and do it all over again. I got myself into an insane amount of debt this way - wasted away my money, and gained close to 200 pounds over the last 6 years.

I would always, ALWAYS, eat in front of the TV or computer. Now I have difficulty sitting down on the couch to watch a show - I always want to eat when I am there… so I am watching less and less TV. I refuse to eat in front of the TV or computer… I make myself sit down at the kitchen table and eat there. When I really focus on it, I am shocked by how fast I eat food.. even healthy food when sitting at the table. I guess 6 years of binge eating every night taught me a good way of getting down that insane amount of food in such a short period of time. But… I am getting better. I am done with this habit. I no longer need to do it.

I think it happened gradually, and eventually it became a habit, and then an addiction. I got addicted to that full feeling, and the binge ‘hang over’ became so routine for me, that the only way I would feel better is by feeding myself again… I actually believe that a portion of my binge eating came from a very natural urge to take in energy - I was SO tired every day because my binge eating caused tremendous weight gain and incredible fatigue followed, and so I wanted to take in energy… and the only way I knew how was by eating. So, I would eat and eat and eat - and then crash.

It is a really sad pattern to get into. And the more you do it, the more you want to do it. I agree that it is like alcoholism - often alcholics start getting addicted when they decide to drink in order to take the edge off of the hang over. I think the same is true for binge eating… a person binges, has the ‘hang over’ and then binges again to avoid the feelings that come with it… so on, and so forth.

I can barely believe that I was like this, but I have the weight to show for it. I just wish there was more out there for people who struggled like I did. I didn’t even know that I was binge eating when I was doing it. I was totally oblivious to my harmful addiction.